Instead of providing you with quotes this week, I decided that a better use of our time together would be to provide you with tidbits from our days at home with my dad…post surgery. If you’ll recall, he is not a nice guy when he has procedures done…Heidi’s & Colonoscopies. So here you go…top one-liners and exchanges.
Dad: Am I being nice?
Dad: I can’t feel my teeth. Something is wrong.
Mom: That’s because your face is numb. You’re fine.
Dad: No. This isn’t right! I can’t feel my teeth. Get a nurse!
Nurse: Sir, this is perfectly normally. You’re just numb.
Dad: Yeah. That’s what I thought. I was just checking.
Dad: Where’s Dayna?
Dad: I want to change.
Mom: I’ll go get you some clothes.
Dad: I don’t want black shorts! I want my white shorts. What is that? I don’t want a button up shirt! I want my Woolrich shirt, the grey one.
Mom (As she walks past me): I want to poke him in the eye.
Dad: Where’s Dayna?
Mom: Nick, please stop trying to smile. It’s creeping me out.
Dad: Where’s Dayna?
Dad: I hate this tape over my nose. It’s really awful. I have to breathe through my mouth and my glasses keep fogging up.
Dad: I’m not wearing these damn blood clot socks anymore.
Mom: You have to wear them for two days. You’ve only had them on for one.
Dad: Don’t care. Not doing it.
Me: Hey. Mom said you want another Jamba Juice, so…
Dad: I don’t want Jamba Juice! I want a muffin.
Me: Okay. Did you have a specific one in mind?
Dad: I want a Starbucks blueberry muffin. Not the non-fat. I want all the fat.
Me: Anything else with that, sir?
Dad: Yes. I want an iced tea. Four Splenda. It’s not right without four. You can get yourself something, too.
Me: Oh. Don’t you worry; you were already buying me something.
This may be my favorite:
Dad: You know what mom said to me? She said I’d be a mean drunk.
He did ask me to take a picture of him, but I think that was the drugs talking...
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