These two didn't know what to do with themselves. I think they're still in a state of shock and horror.
My mom is always on the look out for a potential match for
me. At no point in my life did I think she would fall off a rock wall, break
some ribs, and ask me to call the fire department in an effort to catch a man.
I’m obviously embellishing, but this is how my Saturday afternoon played out.
Saturday started with my mom calling to invite Scout over
for a play date. “Scout needs to come to the farm to play. She shouldn’t be
locked away while you’re out and about.” And so Scout went over to Nana’s and I
ran errands. Of course these errands included a visit to Home Depot and the
gym. That means that make-up was bare minimum: a little foundation, a bit of
mascara, and lip-gloss. It also means yoga pants and top. Had I known about her
devious plan I would have gone all out for the day.
And so when I went to pick up Ms. Scout, my day came to a
crashing halt. My mom and I were shooting the old bull while she worked on
evening-out a birdhouse on the second level of a rock wall. All of a sudden she
backs up, I see her tumble, I try to catch her, she straightens herself out, I
think she regained balance, then BAM a 4 foot fall. This was followed by, “OH
MY GOSH, MOM! MOM! OH SHIT!” At this point the neighbor starts yelling, “I’m
coming over. What’s happening?” And my poor mom lays stunned on the grass.
It should also be noted that in horrific moments of
emergency I laugh. It’s not a trait I’m proud of. It’s also not a trait I seem
to be able to control. Hi, I’m Dayna, and I laugh during awkward situations.
When trying to figure out my mom’s state, she at this point
has rolled onto her stomach and won’t attempt to get up. I also noticed her
back turning red. It should also be noted that at this point her dog Gracie is
screaming and Scout has gone into shock. Time to call 911.
When you call 911 they ask you a series of questions, all of
which you hope you know the answer to. This conversation is all happening while
a dachshund screams in the background, “How old is she? How did she fall? You
should probably put your dogs away before they arrive. Don’t give her any
food.” Really? Thanks. My first thought was let me get her a snack. No really
my first thought was, “Thanks, Mom. Firemen are coming and I’m not dressed for
this.”
And so the firemen arrive, go to the backyard, Gracie is
still screaming, and I’m left to answer questions. It should also be noted that
poor Nick LeMasters arrived 5-minutes into this scene.
Fireman 1: Okay.
So what happened? She fell? Nothing else happened? You’re her daughter?
At this point I’m thinking, “What are you trying to imply? This
is the second time they’ve asked if she ‘fell.’ I’m starting to think they are
suspicious I pushed her.”
Fireman 2: Ma’am,
what’s going on with your leg here? Why do you have it raised?
Mom: I don’t want
to move it.
Me (while
laughing/tears in eyes): Oh. My. Gosh. Mom, that’s his way of telling you
to put your leg down. This isn’t a Jane Fonda video.
Mom: You know
what? We wouldn’t be here if you would have caught me. I thought you were going
to catch me.
Fireman 3: You
could have caught her and didn’t? You weren’t very helpful here.
Me: Okay, you
know what. I don’t know how I all of a sudden turned into Macaulay Culkin in
“The Good Son,” but I did attempt to help. I straightened her out then she lost
balance again. I can’t help people who don’t help themselves. Also, look at
that road-runner, I wasn’t planning to be impaled today.
Dad: What is
going on here?
Me: It’s fine.
Mom took a little spill. These guys think she’s fine.
Mom: I’m not
fine. I want an X-ray. Something's broken.
And so they take her to my dad’s car for a ride to the
hospital. And this is the conversation on the way out…
Fireman 1: You
know, Robyn, you should feel pretty fortunate. That’s Mr. October on your left
escorting you out.
Fireman 2: Maybe
you should leave the gardening to the gardener. He seems to be doing a great
job on his own.
Mom: Are you
kidding me right now? I’m the gardener.
Fireman 2: Really?
Wow. Impressive.
Fireman 3: You
know, Dayna, you should be feeling a bit guilty right now. So you’re in-charge
of getting dinner together.
Mom: Yeah. I
really thought you were going to catch me. Watch the girls. I need a sweater.
Me: Oh. My. Gosh.
Can you please not perpetuate this idea that I pushed you?
Hours later after
copious amounts of pain meds and three broken ribs.
Mom: I know the
only reason you called 911 was to see the firemen.
Me: Yep. That’s
it. It had nothing to do with you on the ground screaming, “Don’t touch me.”
Doesn’t matter anyway. The moment you blamed me for not catching you all hopes
of catching a husband were out.
Mom: You could
have caught me. Also, you told them my age wrong.
Me: Apologies.
Sorry I couldn’t do complex math while you were sitting there crying.
Mom: I’m pretty
sure I saw you laughing.
Me: Of course I
was laughing. It was ridiculous and awkward.
Mom: I broke
THREE ribs!
Me: Yeah, well
those firemen seemed to think you were exaggerating a bit. And don’t think that
I didn’t know that you were upset about your outfit. You kept asking me to get
you a sweater…which I did, by the way.
Mom: Yep. Such a
help.
Me: And next time
you want to invite the entire Fire Department over, can you please give me a
heads up so I can look cute? Also, we totally got the B team. It was the
old-timers. If you want the A team to show up, you’re going to need to be
unconscious.
And so Robyn LeMasters is sleeping upright and is off work for
ten days. I’m not saying she did this on purpose, I’m just saying that if I
“accidently” take a tumble in the near future we should wonder about whether or
not it’s Robyn LeMasters’ ploy to get firemen over to the house and for me to catch a husband.
Note: Gracie and Scout
were traumatized yesterday. They wouldn’t leave the window seat for an hour
after the fall.
