I’m fully aware that Scout Jean Louise LeMasters takes after
her owner. It’s kind of hard to hide this fact when conversations like this
happen:
Me: So Daisy,
this little Scottie, comes up to Scout and tries to befriend her. Scout wasn’t
interested. I had to tell the owner that Scout wasn’t taking applications for
friends.
Mom: That is
horrifying…and so you.
Me: I KNOW! I
have this problem all the time. People think we’re friends and we are not. I
completely understand Scout’s hesitance. This dog came over and started
smelling her. Scout has a bubble that needs respecting.
Mom: Sigh.
Dad: Your dog
wont pee on rocks.
Me: False. Were
the rocks wet?
Dad: Yes. The
fact that you know to ask that is so disturbing.
Me: Yeah. No. She
doesn’t pee on wet rocks. She is Shoeless Joe Jackson. It’s probably pretty
similar to me avoiding public restrooms.
Dad: Sigh.
Dad: Your dog has
emotional issues.
Me: As always:
rude. What happened?
Dad: She gathered
up all the road-kill toys and put them in piles.
Me: Why is this shocking?
I’ve sent you pictures of this! Did you think I made that up? That I was
sitting at home making piles of toys, like some freaky scene from The Blair Witch Project? So insulting.
Dad: I don’t
know. Its never happened over at our house. It freaked me out. I thought it
was her way of dealing with your control issues.
Me: Lovely.
The true evidence that we are two peas in a pod came about a few
days ago… It was awkward for everyone involved.
Mom: Scout is
annoying me! When I pick her up in the afternoon she is not pooping on her
tray. She poops on the cement next to it. It’s frustrating.
Me: Huh. How long
has this been happening?
Mom: Two weeks.
What is that face?
Me: Nothing.
That’s weird.
Mom: No. I know
that face. What?
Me: Well, two
weeks ago I noticed you started putting the paper on the tray down vertically.
You typically put it horizontal. I didn’t want to mention it because I knew you
would bring up my color coded closet and the fact that I know when you touch
things in my house.
Mom: Bullshit.
That’s not what’s going on.
Me: Settle down.
Wow. I’m just giving you my hypothesis.
Dad: If that’s
true, your dog is a little freak!
Me: I don’t know.
All I’m saying is that I think it’s annoying her that the paper now hangs off
the tray, her paw touches it, and she's not stepping on it. I can’t be positive.
One Day Later (Text):
Me: I changed the
paper to horizontal last night. What was the poop situation?
Mom: SHUT YOUR
FACE! You and your dog have some issues.
Me: You can just say,
“Dayna you were right.”
Mom: Dayna. I’m
disgusted by your OCD issues…and your dog’s OCD issues.