Insults & Comebacks

It’s no secret that people easily annoy me. It’s not something I’m proud of. But really people! Stop being so weird. Anyway, due to my tendency to dislike people, the following will come as no surprise to anyone.

Today my dad is having his nose surgery. Don’t you love how scientific I am? If you’ve ever had surgery before, you know that you pick your dinner very wisely; as it is the last thing you’ll eat for 12 hours. So the supportive people we are, we joined him at Chipotle. Following our little gathering we went on an impromptu accessories trip.

As per usual, my dad spent that time flipping through books in the shop (most accessory stores have hilarious books). As I was walking around I kept hearing him chuckle. When I asked what he was reading, he told me it was a book called “Insults & Comebacks: Pithy Proclamations.” I was immediately intrigued. I even stopped browsing for a second to join in the fun. Needless to say, we left the shop with the book.

As we were walking to the car, I would read out random insults. After about the fifth insult my dad said, “Huh. You know what’s funny? These sound completely natural coming out of your mouth. You have that perfect sarcastic tone.” I didn’t know whether to be insulted or not.

Anyway. I’ve pulled 10 of my favorite insults from the book. Enjoy!

10. Whatever look you were going for, you missed.

9. Yes. I’ve heard that story before. An hour ago.

8. Oh. I’m sorry. You’ve obviously mistaken me for someone who cares.

7. Oh. My. Gosh. Are you still talking?

6. I wish I was as smart as you think you are.

5. Oh, I’m sorry- I didn’t realize I was supposed to laugh.

4. Okay. Clearly you’ve chosen knowing everything over having friends.

3. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

2. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

1. I don’t mind your talking as long as you don’t mind my not listening.