A Drug Induced Conversation

Instead of providing you with quotes this week, I decided that a better use of our time together would be to provide you with tidbits from our days at home with my dad…post surgery. If you’ll recall, he is not a nice guy when he has procedures done…Heidi’s & Colonoscopies. So here you go…top one-liners and exchanges.

Dad: Am I being nice?

Dad: I can’t feel my teeth. Something is wrong.
Mom: That’s because your face is numb. You’re fine.
Dad: No. This isn’t right! I can’t feel my teeth. Get a nurse!
Nurse: Sir, this is perfectly normally. You’re just numb.
Dad: Yeah. That’s what I thought. I was just checking.

Dad: Where’s Dayna?

Dad: I want to change.
Mom: I’ll go get you some clothes.
Dad: I don’t want black shorts! I want my white shorts. What is that? I don’t want a button up shirt! I want my Woolrich shirt, the grey one.
Mom (As she walks past me): I want to poke him in the eye.

Dad: Where’s Dayna?

Mom: Nick, please stop trying to smile. It’s creeping me out.

Dad: Where’s Dayna?

Dad: I hate this tape over my nose. It’s really awful. I have to breathe through my mouth and my glasses keep fogging up.

Dad: I’m not wearing these damn blood clot socks anymore.
Mom: You have to wear them for two days. You’ve only had them on for one.
Dad: Don’t care. Not doing it.

Me: Hey. Mom said you want another Jamba Juice, so…
Dad: I don’t want Jamba Juice! I want a muffin.
Me: Okay. Did you have a specific one in mind?
Dad: I want a Starbucks blueberry muffin. Not the non-fat. I want all the fat.
Me: Anything else with that, sir?
Dad: Yes. I want an iced tea. Four Splenda. It’s not right without four. You can get yourself something, too.
Me: Oh. Don’t you worry; you were already buying me something.

This may be my favorite:
Dad: You know what mom said to me? She said I’d be a mean drunk.

He did ask me to take a picture of him, but I think that was the drugs talking...

Insults & Comebacks

It’s no secret that people easily annoy me. It’s not something I’m proud of. But really people! Stop being so weird. Anyway, due to my tendency to dislike people, the following will come as no surprise to anyone.

Today my dad is having his nose surgery. Don’t you love how scientific I am? If you’ve ever had surgery before, you know that you pick your dinner very wisely; as it is the last thing you’ll eat for 12 hours. So the supportive people we are, we joined him at Chipotle. Following our little gathering we went on an impromptu accessories trip.

As per usual, my dad spent that time flipping through books in the shop (most accessory stores have hilarious books). As I was walking around I kept hearing him chuckle. When I asked what he was reading, he told me it was a book called “Insults & Comebacks: Pithy Proclamations.” I was immediately intrigued. I even stopped browsing for a second to join in the fun. Needless to say, we left the shop with the book.

As we were walking to the car, I would read out random insults. After about the fifth insult my dad said, “Huh. You know what’s funny? These sound completely natural coming out of your mouth. You have that perfect sarcastic tone.” I didn’t know whether to be insulted or not.

Anyway. I’ve pulled 10 of my favorite insults from the book. Enjoy!

10. Whatever look you were going for, you missed.

9. Yes. I’ve heard that story before. An hour ago.

8. Oh. I’m sorry. You’ve obviously mistaken me for someone who cares.

7. Oh. My. Gosh. Are you still talking?

6. I wish I was as smart as you think you are.

5. Oh, I’m sorry- I didn’t realize I was supposed to laugh.

4. Okay. Clearly you’ve chosen knowing everything over having friends.

3. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

2. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

1. I don’t mind your talking as long as you don’t mind my not listening.

The Man Behind The Curtain

I know what you're thinking...and yes...my hair does still look like this in the morning.
Santa...No...More like an elf.

I don’t know how Santa treated you as a kid, but he was kinda-sorta-totally awesome at the LeMasters’ house. He would always ate the cookies, he would leave a trail of leaves around the living room (mom was peeved about that), and one year I wrote him a note on Christmas Eve asking for an Easy Bake Oven…and he brought it! He was magical.

Let’s be honest, Nick and Robyn LeMasters did a brilliant job with the whole charade. I can’t imagine the amount of time that went into setting up the night before. No, wait, hold that thought…I can totally imagine it! Why? I got a glimpse of what I believe Christmas Eve used to look like back in the good old days.

Last week we went over to Ryan and Emily’s to watch the kiddos. It came complete with baby-proofed cabinets (damn things), my mom building a fort in the basement, and my dad putting together a toy for Mr. Nick. It took him a good amount of time to put it together…this is how our conversation went.

Me: You all right there? It looks like you’re struggling with the seat.
Dad: These directions are misleading. Look at the picture. What is that? This is ridiculous.
Me: I think you may need to turn the seat inside out and fold it over.
Dad: No. That doesn’t seem right.

A Little Later…
Dad: Oh. You know what I think? I think we have to turn this inside out.
Me: Wow. That is brilliant. I bet that will work perfectly.
Dad: It’s working! Wow. Done. This is great. Glad I worked that out.
Me: Yeah. You are awesome. Brilliant.
Having the time of his life.

Nick’s 1st birthday is coming up in a week and I was sent out to buy a present. What did I buy? A fantastic car that he controls with his feet. Yes, assembly was required.

Me: How long have you been working on this?
Dad: A little while. I’ve stopped to watch football as I go.
Me: Wow. Glad you’re paying attention. I bet a wheel will fly off when Nick sits in it.
Dad: I’ve been building things for years. I know what I’m doing.

A Little Later…
Dad: Are you kidding me?
Me: What’s happening? How’s it coming?
Dad: These decals are ridiculous. The adhesive is too strong.
Me: Wow. That sounds terrible. You know what was also not fun? Carrying that box to my car.
Dad: Wow. I bet that was a real struggle for you. I mean honestly, you practically built this.
Me: I think those eye stickers go on the windshield.
Dad: I’m not there yet. I follow the directions.

A Little Later…
Dad: Done!
Me: I like it. Nicely done.
Dad: You know? Most grandpas or pops or granddads would have just given this to him in a box. I am a Gramps. Gramps builds things!
Me: Ugh. Please don’t refer to yourself in the third person. It’s totally creepy.
Dad: Gramps is awesome.

I would like to add that I just know that my future husband is going to love my commentary at midnight on Christmas Eve.

The Great Debate

We all do different things with our money. If I had 450 bucks just lying around I would head on down to Anthropologie and buy clothes. By clothes I mean a pair of pants and a top…That store is ridiculously priced…I still love it, though. My mom would use 450 dollars on the backyard. My dad uses the money to buy a new driver…leading to one of the greatest conversations I have ever been subject to!

Mom: You just bought a new driver.

Dad: No. I bought one 5 years ago. The technology changes all the time. I could have bought one 2 years ago, but I didn’t. I waited. It’s time.

Mom: This is ridiculous! You just want a new one because you think that it’s going to get you to the hole in one swing.

Dad: Not one, but less. Yes.

Mom: This is stupid. What happened to wooden clubs?

Dad: Are you kidding me? It’s not even a comparison.

Mom: So you’re saying that if Arnold Palmer used wooden clubs he wouldn’t be as good?

Dad: You only know his name from the drink! He would be good, but not as amazing as if he had the newest technology.

Mom: What about bowling balls? That technology hasn’t changed there.

Me: What are you talking about?

Mom: Oh. Be quite! Okay. What about tennis rackets? There is nothing wrong with wooden tennis rackets.

Dad: Are you kidding me? If you used a wooden racket against someone with the newest strings you would be killed.

Mom: Yeah, but if we both had wooden rackets, I bet we’d have a great time.

Dad: Right. Whatever. I’m saying that if you’re playing competitively, you want the best.

Mom: OH! WOW! Competitively. I didn’t realize you were competitive. I had forgotten that you played for 50 cents a hole once a week. WOW!

Dad: I’m competitive with myself. Dayna, help me out here!

Me: No. I just got yelled at. I’m out of this. I will be blogging about it, though!

Mom: Whatever. Go get your asshole drive.

Dad: Wow. There is no reason to get like that! I don’t like curse words.

Me: I think she meant asinine.

Mom: Exactly. Whatever. I’m not the only one using words incorrectly around here. Competitive. PLEASE!

I would just like to say that if this is the biggest argument I have with my future husband after 33 years, I will feel completely blessed. I would also like to add that my dad did get the new golf club and he was like a child on Christmas morning.

The Escape Artist

I should probably preface this entry by saying that my dad called me yesterday to say, “Dayna. I’ve got your next blog.” Little did he know, I already had this idea in the back of my mind…but yesterday’s events were kind of the cherry on top of the sundae (I think that’s the phrase).

Since my mom was my age, probably even before that, she has always had a way with people. She’s a talker. Small talk, short stories, long stories, it doesn’t matter. She can talk with strangers or friends or family. I did not get that gene. I only talk to people I know well. I’ve never been good at the whole small talk thing. Apparently this is a skill you can learn, I haven’t accomplished that yet.

My mom is also charming. So, mix charm and a whole lot of talk and what do you get? A get out of ticket free card!

2 Weeks Ago:
Mom: I got pulled over by a police officer this morning at 4:30.
Me: Oh. My. Gosh. You finally got a ticket! What did you do?
Mom: No. I did not. He pulled me and over and when he came to the window I said, “Are you okay?” He thought that was funny. But honestly, he was acting really weird when he pulled me over.
Me: Oh. My. Gosh.
Mom: Yeah. So he said, “Do you not use signals?” and I said, “Not at 4:30 in the morning.” So he wanted my ID but I couldn’t get it out of my wallet and I told him I was going to the hospital and that I had a headache. He asked if I was going to the hospital for the headache and I said, “Silly! I work there.” Anyway. He said forget the ticket. He just looked at my name badge and said I could leave.
Me: If I had pulled you over and you started talking like that, I would have given you a Breathalyzer.
Mom: I know! Anyway. I just kept thinking I’m glad he didn’t see me driving down the road and treating red lights like stop signs.
Me: Oh. My. Gosh. Why were you changing lanes that early anyway?
Mom: It’s not my fault that some 75-year-old woman was driving in front of me. I wasn’t putting up with that.

Yesterday…While on the phone with me….
Mom: Oh. Just a second, some police officer is waving at me. “What? Oops. I’m sorry. I’ll slow down.”
Me: Wait. What just happened?
Mom: Oh. This officer was waving at me and I yelled out the window what and he said the speed limit was 25 and I was going 35.
Me: Did you stop?
Mom: No. I just said sorry and kept going. I’m watching him out of the mirror. He’s just laughing.
Me: Oh. My. Gosh. Wow. Okay. This is ridiculous. Anyone else would have gotten a ticket. I think you’re a little escape artist!
Mom: Yep. Record is still clean!

I should add that I think my dad holds a lot of resentment about these events...his driving record is not too pretty (Always the speed traps).

Top LeMasters Quotes...This Week

1. If someone called me drunk at 1am and said, "I need you" I'd be furious. -Robyn LeMasters after hearing Lady Antebellum's Need You Now.

2. I found my keys. They were in with the Cheetos. -Robyn LeMasters

3. If I found a fairy, I'd smash it. -Zach LeMasters, Age 3

4. I'm perusing Dayna's Facebook. I'm allowed to...It's all about me! -Nick LeMasters

5. So anyway I told the vet that if I was bleeding in a cave, I'd let a dog lick my wounds. -Robyn LeMasters after being told by the vet that dog's saliva having healing abilities is most likely a myth.

Heidi's & Colonoscopies

As promised…A story about Nick LeMasters’ belligerent ways when he has any sort of surgery. This story comes from his colonoscopy. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, mostly because he’s going under the knife for some sort of nose/smell issue. Apparently, he has a 70% blockage. Personally, I say keep the blockage. I’m at 100% smell capacity and it's no picnic. The things I’ve smelled…

We’ll see if the surgery even happens. I think he was a little put off when my mom told him about a patient that came to the hospital. Apparently, he had the same procedure and has had a constant runny nose for the past year. This story was followed by her telling my dad, “I’m not going to put up with that.”

Anyway. About a year ago my dad went in for his colonoscopy. I had never seen him on any drugs before…but this way eye opening. He came home with my mom and was totally out of it. He sat down on the couch and the following exchange happened as my mom was putting his clothes away.

Mom: Nick. What are these?
Dad: What?
Mom: These socks?
Dad: I got them at the hospital. I liked them.
Mom: I specifically told you these were not to come home with us! They're gross. You snuck them in the bag when I wasn’t looking.
Dad: Of course I did! I love those socks.
Mom: See. This is why I hate when you get stuff done. You think you’re a little general and in charge…I’ve got news for you buddy…YOU ARE NOT. These are going in the trash.

1 Hour Later:
Dad: I’m hungry.
Mom: I’ll make you some cream of wheat.
Dad: I’m not eating that! I want a sandwich. Let’s go to Heidi’s.
Mom: We are not doing that. You need to rest. You shouldn’t be eating that big of a meal anyway.
Dad: We’re going. I want an egg salad sandwich.

We Drove to Heidi’s…He ate half a sandwich and turned white…he threw up on the way home…

Mom: Are you kidding me? I told you this would happen!
Dad: It has nothing to do with the sandwich. It’s your driving. Anyone would get sick.
Mom: So we’re done with this conversation. Go take a nap. We’ll talk when you’re not being mean.

Looking forward to next week! I’ve got news for you Nick LeMasters, we’re not taking any orders from you!

The Case of The Stolen Shoes

We’ve been having some troubles over here at the LeMasters. What is wrong, you ask? I will tell you. It’s called Robyn LeMasters stealing Dayna LeMasters’ things. That’s right. The number of times I’ve walked in on her wearing a shirt of mine or ugh a pair of shoes (disgusting). Yes. As of recent I’ve been missing shoes…only to find them on my mom’s feet…while she works in the yard.

2 Weeks Ago:

Me: What’s happening on your feet?
Mom: What do you mean?
Me: I mean those shoes.
Mom: I know aren’t they cute?
Me: Yeah. I should know! They’re mine!
Mom: I don’t think so. No. These are mine.
Me: My checkbook would beg to differ.
Mom: Wow. Selfish.

Saturday:
Me: I like that owl shirt.
Mom: Isn’t it cute? I forgot I had it. It was in the ironing closet.
Me: You didn’t forget you had it. It’s not yours! It’s mine.
Mom: No. You gave it to me. You said the neck was funky.
Me: You made that up. That never happened!
Mom: Well, I’m wearing it.

Monday:

Me: Those shoes are cute.
Mom: Stop right there. These are not yours!
Me: YES THEY ARE! STOP TAKING MY SHOES AND PUTTING YOUR SWEATY LITTLE FEET IN THEM.
Mom: THESE ARE MINE!
Me: Lies!

Dad: Let’s just calm it down. I mean the number of times I’ve heard about you taking mom’s stuff and stretching it…
Me/Mom: What are you talking about?
Dad: I recall a boot-stretching incident.
Me: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THAT WAS 2 YEARS AGO!
Mom: Oh. Yeah. I still haven’t really gotten over that. Those were my favorite.
Me: Wow. I think you got over it. You’ve bought at least 20 more pairs of boots since then…
Mom: Yeah. See, Nick, this is why you shouldn’t talk. You don’t really know what you’re talking about.
Dad: How did I become the bad guy?

Tuesday:

Me: Are you kidding me?
Mom: What?
Me: Those are mine.
Mom: No they’re not. They barely fit me. There is no way they are yours! You would never wear these.
Me: FALSE! I do wear those. Wow. Look at the dirt stains. They are ruined.
Mom: Put them on right now. They won’t fit you.
Me: That is so gross. Your foot has been in them for at least an hour.
Mom: PUT IT ON!
Me: Fine. See? Perfect fit.
Mom: Well. You never wear them, so they’re mine.
Me: You now owe me like three pairs of shoes. What are you going to do when I leave? I feel like an epic throw down is going to happen.
Mom: No it won’t. I’ll just say take the craphole things…SELFISH!

Single Mormon Seeks Eternal Partner

Where to begin this story? I guess I should begin by informing you all that Mormons tend to marry young. So, when you’re a 24-year-old, single, Mormon, girl…people start to think that there is something wrong with you. Honestly, I may as well be a 45-year-old woman, with 12 cats (I dislike cats, so at least that will never happen).

I think it has been determined throughout writing this blog that I am a bit anti-social and a bit of a nerd. Who can we blame my outcome on? I think it’s perfectly okay to blame the anti-social parents, the junior bishop brother, and the comic book geek brother. Yes. This is how I became a 24 year old, anti-social, single, Mormon, nerd. Thanks LeMasters. Big thanks.

This was only reinforced a week ago when the junior bishop, Ryan sent me an email. An email entitled: “Mormon Men Waiting Longer To Marry, Worrying Church Officials.” After reading the article I immediately wrote him to ask, “What the hell he was thinking sending me this?” He told me, “I thought it would make you feel better to know that guys are just losers now a days. They only care about having a good time. So you shouldn’t worry about getting married.” UM, THANKS! Guess I totally have something to look forward to.

Despite my glass half empty view of the world, I still plunge ahead. This meaning, that yes I still attend Family Home Evening on Monday nights…despite the horrid Communication Seminar. So, last night I headed out, but not before this hilarious/depressing/ridiculous conversation took place.

Mom: Why are you dressed up? Where you headed?

Me: My favorite place EVER! Family Home Evening. I’m going to ask you something. It may sound a little strange, but do my eyebrows look weird to you?

Mom: I honestly can’t see your eyebrows without my glasses. Why would you ask that?

Me: I may or may not have had a plucking mishap. So, I may or may not have used a pencil to fill in the holes. Now I’m nervous that I will start sweating and my eyebrow will drip off.

Mom: Wow. That will get you some attention.

Me: Great. Big help. Hey, dad. Look at my eyebrows. Do they look weird?

Dad: Are you sure you’re asking the right person?

Me: Come on? Seriously. Tell me.

Dad: The left one has a hirer arch.

Me: Are you kidding me? I meant do they look too dark! WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE LEFT ONE HAS A HIRER ARCH? OH.MY. GOSH. I’m not going.

Mom: Don’t be ridiculous. Just cover it with your bang. I’m looking now and they do look a little weird. One is definitely longer than the other.

Me: Wow. I’m not going. I’m going to get a blizzard. It will be stupid anyway.

Mom: See! This is why you’re single. You should go and when it turns stupid you should turn to the guy next to you and say, “Hey! Let’s get out of here and go grab a blizzard.”

Me: Wow. You know what would happen in that scenario? I would end up asking the guy that thinks covering toilet paper with duck tape and then playing dodge ball with it is totally awesome. That’s what would happen.

Mom: That’s probably true.

Me: Ugh! I’m leaving.

These are the eyebrows in question...

This is how I left my mom…in heaps of laughter. Laugh it up. Laugh it up.

1 hour later…

Mom: So, how was it?

Me: They played human checkers. I left. I got us blizzards. Now I’m going to cuddle up on the couch and watch the new X-Men movie.

Dad: Hey! I saw a commercial for a single Christian website!

Me: I’m going to need to insist that you stop talking now.

I would like to inform you that the X-Men movie is fantastic…even though I was ashamed to buy it. I would also like to inform you that the blizzard was delicious. Lastly, I would like to inform you that I’m a Taurus, I like long walks on the beach, I love sunsets, love dogs, and I can probably tell you the given names of any comic book character. Call me…unless you’re weird or creepy or have bad teeth.

The B-Team Underwear

I don’t know if any of you have had a washer break, but it’s terrible. You are left desolate for days at a time, missing your favorite items of clothing. The washer breaking did help me to discover one thing. It’s kind of huge! I have discovered Victoria’s secret. Seriously. I have.

Want to know what it is? Okay. I will tell you. We all have favorite underwear. Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. We all have our A Team and B Team underroos. It’s okay. Admit it! Nick LeMasters didn’t understand either. I had to enlighten him…

Me: When is the new washer coming? I’m down to my B Team underwear and I’m getting annoyed.

Dad: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Me: I have certain underwear I like and then I have other underwear that I don’t really care for.

Dad: Then why do you own it?

Me: Because it is cute and from Anthropologie. You don’t understand. Ugh.

Mom: She’s right. I know exactly what she means! I’m going through withdrawl, too.

Dad: Ugh! I hate this conversation. The new machine is coming Monday. So you’ll have to put your big girl panties on and deal with it until then. Now, can we please stop talking about this?

Me: Nice. Really sensitive.

I'm happy to report that the new washer is here and it's fantastic! The A-Team is back! I know you're all thinking about your favs right now. May you never have to go without them!

Oh. May I also just mention...You're welcome dad, for changing my font!

How Do I End Up In These Situations?

I love animals. When I say I love animals, I mean I’m a cuddle up on the couch with a dog kind of girl. My mom on the other hand, is a find an abandoned baby bird and rescues it kind of girl. This is how our story begins.

Last night I was called outback where I found my mom holding a wild, baby bird. She told me she had found it on the grass and it had fallen out of a birdhouse. She then took it upon herself to make phone call after phone call trying to find a place to take the bird. It was after 6, so no one was answering. This is where I find myself involved.

Mom: I’ve looked up all the number, now all you need to do it call them in the morning and drive him down there.
Me: Wooh. Wooh. Wooh. Why am I doing this?
Mom: I have to work until 1 and dad has corporate in town…so there you go.
Me: This is horrible. I want you to know that I’m very unhappy right now.
Mom: Great. Here are the numbers.

So I woke up this morning, hoping the bird was at least alive, because I knew that if it wasn’t I would somehow be blamed. It was. Lucky me. So, I sat at my desk calling each of the six numbers provided, all going directly to voicemail. I should also mention that during this time my blind, deaf, 16 year old dog, in a cast fell off my bed with a loud THUMP…then looked at me like it was my fault. At this point I was feeling less than thrilled with my morning.


Two hours later I finally got through to place called “Wild Birds.” It was a number I found scrawled across a box in the garage. Apparently, my mom got the number last night. When I asked for their address they wouldn’t give it to me, only directions. SUSPCIOUS! I set out, in my little scarf and curly hair…

As I drove down the highway all I could think about was that movie "The Birds." I just kept imagining this baby bird somehow learning to fly and attacking me while I drove. I could just see the headlines tonight, "Woman Pecked To Death, By Bird She Was Trying to Save." Ugh. The horror.

When I found the place the first thought that went through my head was, “This is the kind of house you see on 9 News at 5.” I just knew I was going to be the headline on the news tonight. I walked up the muddy front, no lawn, just mud. Birds everywhere, in cages on the ground, in the trees. I knocked. They wouldn’t let me in the house and I had to stand on the front porch to fill out forms. SUSPICIOUS! I assume this is because saving wild birds is a front and I was really standing outside a meth house.

The girl informed me that they had been shut down in August, as they couldn’t afford to keep doing this. They depend on people’s donations, so if I wanted to donate today it would be great “so they could pay their electric bills.” SUSPICIOUS! As I filled out the forms I felt my heart rate increase. They wanted my address and I knew I couldn’t give them a fake because I was going to be writing a check that had the real address on it!

I then went to the car to get my checkbook and filled out the check for $40.00. That’s right! 40 big ones, because the form said that’s how much it would take to care for the bird. As I handed over the check I just knew that a SWAT team was going to pop out of the bushes. I just knew this was a sting. I just kept telling myself, if that happens, just scream, “ROBYN LEMASTERS MADE ME DO THIS! I’M JUST DROPPING OFF A BIRD!”

I gave her the check and got out of dodge. I now find myself worrying that some strange person will show up at our house tonight to rob us.

How do I end up in these situations? Oh, and yes, Robyn LeMasters we’ll be discussing reimbursement later…it may be more than 40 bucks due to pain and suffering.

Oh…Shelby the 16 year old, blind, deaf, casted dog almost fell down the stairs as I wrote this. Good times. Good times.

Camping...Troop Beverly Hills Style

I am not a camper. I don’t understand it. I’m happy to go out hiking or fishing, but why do I have to sleep on the ground, while freezing, and let’s be honest not smelling all that great? No, I’m all about spending the day outside followed by a shower and comfortable bed.

Some would disagree with me, including my brother Ryan. Every year he plans a guys camping trip. It’s an overnighter for himself, my nephew Zach, and Gramps…soon my nephew Nick will be able to join them! It wasn’t until this year that I realized they aren’t camping at all. Well, they are if you consider Troop Beverly Hills to be a camping movie.

Before Leaving:
Dad: Did you get the burgers and guacamole from Tony’s?
Me: Yes. You guys are really roughing it with your gourmet food.
Dad: Yeah. Well I like to eat quality food.
Me: What is that? What are you bringing?
Dad: My iPad. I want to read before I go to bed.
Me: Are you kidding me? You don’t bring electronics camping. It’s about getting back to the basics. WHAT IS THAT?
Dad: A blow up mattress. I’m not sleeping on the ground.
Me: Wow. Oh. My. Gosh. This isn’t camping.

Packing The Food:
Me: I noticed you didn’t put breakfast food on your list, so I didn’t get you anything for the morning.
Dad: Yeah. We go to IHOP.
Me: Stop it. Are you serious?
Dad: Do you know how time consuming cooking breakfast is? No. I’m not doing that.
Me: This isn’t camping. I don’t even know what to call this, but it’s not camping.

Later That Night:
Ring. Ring. Ring.
Me: Hello?
Dad: Hey! What are you guys up to?
Me: Are you kidding me right now? No. Why are you calling? This is male bonding time. Camping. You don’t make phone calls.

Who knew camping had become so high class? I guess this is their GQ camping trip. I bet Oprah would be willing to attend a LeMasters’ campout.

Good Old Predictable Dayna

My family likes to dress up…well…I force my family to dress up at get-togethers. Whether or not they like it doesn’t really matter to me. Personally, I get a kick out of the photos.

The point of this is, honestly, this is the only time I step out of my comfort zone. You won’t see me rocking a sparkly pink hat in public. Well…There was that one time at Chuck E. Cheese. Anyway. I’m conservative. I don’t take risks. I like routine. I don’t like the unknown. People realize I’m predictable pretty quick. As you will see in the following conversations:

Chat 1:
Me: I heard that women should not wear engagement rings in interviews, because you’re less likely to get the job. They automatically think you’ll need time off and eventually quit to have kids.
Dad: Where did you hear that? That is ridiculous.
Me: I don’t want to say. You’ll think it’s not a trustworthy source.
Dad: Tell me.
Me: The radio.
Dad: Station?
Me: No. Not saying.
Dad: So, Alice.
Me: Why would you guess that?
Dad: (laughter) You are so predictable! Oh, that is a crap station.

Chat 2:
Me: So I’m at Starbucks with my book. I’ve got my chai. I’m ready to start my new book and then fire alarm. I gave it about 3 minutes and then left.
Person: So, where did you go? You went to Barnes & Noble didn’t you?
Me: Why would you guess that?
Person: HA! You totally did. I know you so well.

Chat 3:
Me (to mom): So, anyway I don’t like that about the gym.
Dad: Why don’t you try a different 24 Hours Fitness?
Me: What are you talking about?
Dad: Aren’t you talking about how you don’t like someone at your gym?
Me: No. Not at all.
Dad: Huh. I just assumed. You typically talk about people you don’t like at the gym.
Me: Nice. Good to know that my anti-social tendencies are the first thing to come to mind. Nice.

Home Improvement...Robyn LeMasters Style

I don’t know if anyone has gone through a remodel of sorts, but I can tell you it is horrible. I want these strange men out of the house. I would like to walk down the stairs without fear of falling…as there is no banister. I would like to use the bathroom on a regular basis. Finish up and get out!

Anyway. During remodels you start to try to control the things you can. You finish all those projects you’ve been putting off for years. In my case it was organizing my closet. By organizing my closet I of course mean updating drawer units, hooks, and hangers. My closet is always organized…Just ask my mom who borrows things and puts the brown sweater in with the black sweaters. Who does that?

Anway. One of the updates was to add hooks to the closet for my jewelry. Previously, it was kind of like playing JINGA when you went in to get a piece, one false move and a pile of necklaces was on the floor. The following was a conversation that took place over the course of three days:

Day 1:
Me: I’m thinking about putting knobs on my closet wall to hold my necklaces. I thought it would be a fun way to organize them.

Mom: FINALLY! YES! Do it. I like the idea.

Day 2:
Me: I got the knobs. Do you think dad can put them up for me?

Mom: Oh. No. Dayna. We don’t tell dad about hanging up these knobs.

Me: Why?

Mom: Let’s just say he would be less than thrilled with what I do.

Me: Okay. Can you tell me what to do and I can put them up?

Mom: Yes. You take the screwdriver and poke a hole in the wall. Then take the glue gun and fill the hole and the back of the knob. Stick it in the wall and hold it.

Me: Are you kidding me? This goes against everything you taught me about hanging things while growing up. What about when we have to take these off?

Mom: That’s not my problem. You and your brothers can deal with that. Do you want cute things or not?

Day 3:
Me: I tried making the holes. It made me nervous. I made an opening that would fit a nail and it’s still not big enough!

Mom: You’re not being tough. Just stab it! (At this point she stabs the wall and makes a whole the size of a pen).

Me: OOOOHHHH! NO! OHMYGOSH. WOW. Okay.

Mom: I’ll just do them. Make sure dad doesn’t walk in.

Glad to say that the closet is complete and totally awesome! Now if they would just lay the freaking carpet I could move out the DVDs. HURRY UP AND GET OUT!

Note: I should note that Nick LeMasters does know about the gluing that takes place...he just doesn't like it.

The Glitter Tyrant

This Labor Day weekend we have the lovely pleasure of watching Annie (5), Zach (3), and Nick (1). We love when the kiddos come over to play and we have some great activities planned. I purchased an excess amount of junk food and a few new Tinkerbelle movies, as my niece informed me that she “is really into fairies right now.”

Another fantastic activity we took part in today was painting and decorating wooden boxes. Yes. This comes with a mess. I accepted it. My mom accepted it. My dad…well…hmm…Let’s just say he TOTALLY almost ruined the fun.

Gramps: No. No. No. Zach! Keep the box on the paper. Annie! That’s way too much glitter! WOW! Don’t put the brush there. No, Zach, that brush has red on it, get a new brush. Glitter EVERYWHERE!

Auntie: Are you kidding me? Do you see what you’re doing? You’re ruining our fun. What if I had acted this way with my students? They were ten times worse. Just calm it down.

Gramps: Would you look at this mess! Annie has paint on her legs. These boxes aren’t going to dry for days. OH! The glitter. Would you look at the glitter.

Auntie: You know what! You are a “Glitter Tyrant.” Go away. We’re having fun! Plus, we’re outside. Who cares?

Nana: Yeah, Gramps. You would be a terrible kindergarten teacher. Let them express themselves!

Gramps: I’m just saying Zach has about 4 inches of glitter on that box.

Auntie: I’m just saying I love it…Why don’t you go change Nick’s diaper if you want to clean up a mess.

Having the time of our lives...I'm pretty sure Annie is giving Gramps the stink eye.

Top LeMasters Quotes...This Week

1. Wait a second. Are you kidding me? Rosie O'Donnell is getting her own show? Give me a show! I would dominate that. -Nick LeMasters

2. No I have not seen that Jane Fonda movie. I can't stand that woman. She is a Communist. I should have never bought her workout videos. -Nick LeMasters

3. I think I'm the smartest one in my class. -Annie LeMasters, Age 5

4. Annie goes to school now. I miss her a lot when she's gone. -Zach LeMasters, Age 3

5. Auntie! Don't let Nicky kiss your face. He'll bite it right off. -Annie LeMasters, Age 5 (in reference to Nick, Age 1)

We All Have Secrets

We all have secrets and it’s always entertaining to me when one is revealed. I know what you’re thinking…but it’s really no secret that my family tends to dress up oddly at get-togethers.

No. This secret came from Nick LeMasters while watching Bill O’Reilly last night. One of his producers was reporting on the TV show Jersey Shore and during that segment, they kept showing clips from the show The Sopranos. A show I have never watched…and until last night I thought my dad had never seen.

Dad: The Sopranos is a good show.

Me: Wow. What did you just say?

Dad: The Sopranos. I like that show.

Me: When have you ever seen an episode of The Sopranos?

Dad: Sometimes on Sunday mornings after I read the paper and eat my breakfast I watch a little TV. It’s on some channel on Sunday.

Me: Wow. Happy Sabbath.

Dad: Oh. Calm down. It really is good.

Me: This is like when you found out I watched Battlestar Galactica. It’s like a little secret is being revealed. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. The number of times I’ve walked in on you watching The Godfather…

Well. There you go. Proof that we all have TV shows that we secretly watch. I won’t reveal the other shows I’m embarrassed of…yet.