Turkish Delight

I know at this point in time, you’ve begun to think to yourself, “Geez, Dayna! Did you like anything about Europe?” Yes. Yes, I did. It was a little place called Turkey. I adored it. It was hot as hell, but beautiful and fascinating.

The photo above was taken before we set off on our excursion of Kusadasi. Please note my skin color…porcelain. I like to keep it that way. I’ve never been tan in my life and when I do try to get some sun I just turn different shades of red. Worthless. This fun little fact will be important as you continue to read.

We started our day in Ephesus, a city where only 10% of the ruins have been uncovered. I think I enjoyed this day because I had a full night sleep in a real bed and a shower. Well, “shower.” We’ve discussed the fact that I was about 2 feet too tall for the shower, but I digress. It was an amazing city and I truly enjoyed my time there…except for the lady who let off an SBD in an enclosed area. WHO DOES THAT? This was also the point in time when my face melted right off.

Following this tour you are led to a small Bazaar, where the shopkeepers swarm you. They scream out “Special deal. Special deal.” Right. What am I going to do with three Turkish rugs for 20 dollars? I’m out.

One of my travel companions did indulge in some Turkish Delight. I was SO excited for this. I kept thinking, “Finally. Finally I’ll know why Edmund would sell out his sister and Mr. Tumnus to The White Witch.” I’m here to tell you that Edmund, from The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe was in fact a toolbag. He sold his sister and a little fawn out for a hard jelly-like, powdered covered, not that flavorful candy. Tool. Bag. I didn’t hate it, but I wouldn’t sell out a family member for it. Maybe a Sour Patch Kid. 

I decided to save my money for the small Bazaar we would visit before boarding the ship. I spent a small fortune of lanterns, and bowls, and jewelry. Now, I don’t consider myself a feminist by any stretch of the imagination, but I think I was kind-of-sort-of offended by the following exchange…

As I walked down one of the streets with a travel companion, shop keepers where screaming out, “Come to my shop! I make you special deal.” I was over being there and didn’t turn to look. That’s when I hear…

Shop Keeper: She’s pretty. How many camels you want for her?

Travel Companion: I kind of like her and I don’t need any camels, I think I'll keep her.

Me: Oh. My. Gosh. Is he talking about me?!?

Travel Companion: Yeah. Just keep walking.

Shop Keeper: I give you camels for her.

Me: Awkward laughter (as I keep walking)

Shop Keeper: Oh. I see. You’re an angry American. You’re like Angelina Jolie with your white skin.

Really? Really? A camel? Those things are dirty and they spit! REALLY? Oh and really? You’re going to bring up my white skin. REALLY?

This of course turned into a conversation at dinner that night.

Travel Companion 1: You are like Casper the Friendly Ghost. I mean honestly, one of the whitest women I’ve ever seen. Like you take white to a new level.

Me: Whatever. I think I’m worth at least 10 camels, by the way.

Travel Companion 2: Dayna, don’t sell yourself short. You would go for at least 15.

Me: Wow. Thanks. Stop talking.

Later in the week I received an email from a friend in the states saying she would pay at least two camels for me. What the hell? And lets be honest…I’m worth a lion. The king of the jungle and I are equals. 

My Big Fat Visit To Greece

First stop on my whirlwind tour of Europe? Athens, Greece. Now, I should forewarn you all that my tour of Athens took place following a three-hour flight from London, England. A flight where I sat in the middle seat and woke up with hot flashes every 20 minutes. We arrived at 3am…

Upon arriving to a deserted airport, I insisted that we take some time to clean ourselves up in the bathroom, as we hadn’t showered in 24 hours. I changed clothes, I put my hair up, I washed my face, I almost cried because I knew we still had a 12-hour day ahead of us. WELCOME TO GREECE!

An hour later we headed out into the Mediterranean morning. This is where we caught a cab. Now it should be stated that I’m not really a cab person. Like they kind of freak me out. My travel companion asked the driver to take us to the dock to board a cruise ship.

As we sat in the back of the cab, I kept thinking, “Oh. My. Gosh. This is The Bone Collector. Oh. My. Gosh. This guy is taking us to an undisclosed location to murder us. Oh. My. Gosh. I’m going to die.” Of course you’re thinking I’m ridiculous and over-reacting. REALLY? REALLY? You didn’t sit in a cab at 4am, driving in the middle of the high way, at 100mph, while your travel companion kept looking at the map with a concerned look on her face, followed by us taking an exit with graffiti filled buildings. WELCOME TO GREECE!

We arrived at the dock at 4:30am, where we would wait until 7am for the ship to dock. Did I mention he dropped us on the wrong side of the dock, so we arrived at our dock after a 30-minute walk? I know what you’re thinking, isn’t this the country with all the protest going on? Yes. Yes it is. WELCOME TO GREECE!

We waited. The boat arrived. We had 30 minutes to freshen up before heading out on an eight-hour tour. Oh. My. Gosh. Isn’t that the theme to Gilligan’s Island? Anyway, I digress.

We saw some ruins. It was hot. We saw some sculptures. It was hot. We went shopping. It was hot. I found a Starbucks…that rocked my world. Why? Free Wi-Fi that worked. Holla!

Also, this wonderful conversation happened…

Travel Companion: Who is that a sculpture of?

Me: I think it’s Zeus.

Travel Companion: No. Sign says Poseidon.

Two minutes later...

Travel Companion: Who is that a sculpture of?

Me: It’s the same face as the last one. Must be Poseidon.

Travel Companion: No. Sign says Zeus.

Me: Oh. My. Gosh. This is bullshit.

Travel Companion: Yeah. I think I’m done with this. Also, why are all the genitals cut off?

Me: Seriously. I’m really wishing I would have stayed on the boat and showered.

Travel Companion: Right? Yeah. I definitely smell like a homeless person.

I love that I look so happy in this picture. "I'm in Greece! Take my picture." No. What is happening in that mind of mine? "I'm literally going to kick someone in the face soon. What is that smell? Oh. My. Gosh. I think it's me."

Note: This blog may not present an accurate description of Athens, Greece. I can not be held responsible for my feelings on only three hours of sleep. 

Tell the Truth, Dayna

When you tell people you’re going to Europe, there is always the obligatory gasp. This is typically followed by the phrase, “I’m so jealous.” Sometimes people ask where in Europe you’re going and what you will be seeing. Then, if people have been to Europe, they tell you all about their trip. They make it sound majestic. I swear after talking to people I thought I was going to be in the film Roman Holiday. I kept thinking a Gregory Peck like man and I are going to ride around on a Vespa in Rome. I’m going to look like this…

I am here to tell you that this is all a ridiculous scam. People don’t tell the truth. They remember the amazing scenery, but block out the bits where they don’t shower for twenty-four hours because they’re on a plane. I’m here to tell you the truth about travel in Europe. As my cousin would say, “Dayna! Tell the truth.”

Before you freak out and think I’m committing some horrific crime against society, I will say calm down. Europe is beautiful and I loved my time there. I get it. I know that when I say I took the train from Paris to Rome it creates an image straight from a Harry Potter film. I just want to clear up some miscommunications. I now know the truth…so here we go.

The Boat:

When I told people I was going on a cruise of Europe, they freaked out. HOW AMAZING! HOW EXCITING! I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO A MEDITERRANIAN CRUISE! I’VE DONE THAT, IT’S SO AMAZING!

Here is what no one ever tells you. The shower on the boat is literally for an Oompa Loompa, okay? I had to literally stick my leg outside the shower in order to shave my legs. I was taller than the showerhead, so I had to squat down to wash my hair.

Here is what no one ever tells you. There are “At Sea Days.” I knew this going in. What I didn’t expect was for the unexpected “Two Days At Sea.” No one tells you that after one day on the water, with no stops, you begin to have what I have coined “The Shining Moments.” Moments when you think to yourself, I can totally relate to Jack Nicholson right now. Let me tell you, this was a low point. When you start relating to a horror film, you’ve got issues.

Here is what no one ever tells you. James Cameron is a LIAR! Remember that magical moment in Titanic when Rose and Jack are on the front of the boat and she says, “Jack, I’m flying.” TOTAL LIE! The front of the boat is freaking dangerous. It is so windy you can barely walk. I swear I got wind burned. My hair hit me so hard in the eye that it started watering. There I was with my camera, all ready for my front of the boat picture…what a sucker!

The Sites:

People are always keen to tell you what sites to visit. They say how breathtaking everything is. How stunning everything is. What they don’t tell you is that these sites are like Disneyland. I think we’ve all been to Disneyland at one time or another when they say, “Sorry, The Matterhorn is closed for construction.” Who knew, Buckingham Palace was the same way? I had this in mind…

What did I get?

WHAT THE HELL?

A separate blog will be coming about The Vatican. I will tease it by saying, that is the biggest scam in history. 

The Train:

You’re still thinking about The Hogwarts Express when I mention the train in Europe, aren’t you? Get that out of your head. Oh. My. Gosh. I will start by saying that I can never go to jail. Like seriously. I wouldn’t last ten minutes in a cell. Everyone tells you to take the train in Europe. The scenery! Oh, my!

No. False. What don’t they tell you? You’ll probably catch the train at night, so you can sleep, making the European Country Side a little fantasy. They will also not mention that all of the stops are covered in graffiti, making me wonder if I’m still in the US. They won’t mention that a double-sleeper is really more like a closet and you won’t be able to turn around in it. They won’t mention that you will be nervous about sleeping on the bed and will probably wrap your pillow in a North Face jacket. The best little tidbit that they will leave out? Italian Police officers will pound on your door at 1am for your passport and when you open the door you will be barreled over by a drug-sniffing dog. Doesn’t that just sound magical?

Totally wishing you were me, aren't you?

Your Phone:
Before leaving for Europe I knew I needed to turn off 3G because the roaming charges are ridiculous. "It doesn't really matter, everyone has WiFi." REALLY? REALLY?

What people don't tell you is that finding WiFi is a pain. Then when you do find it, your phone doesn't connect. The only place it did work? Starbucks. You know there is an issue when you're about to walk into the Turkish Bazaar or The Louvre and you think, "Oh. My Gosh. STARBUCKS! Hold on just a second."

Turkish Starbucks, friends.
Your Body:

The number of times I heard the phrase, “Oh! The pictures you will take.” They leave out one of the most important things a woman needs to know…

You will bloat. Between elevation change, constipation, lack of sleep, and the freaking Mediterranean heat, you will bloat. Like your face will look as if you got stung by a bee. Like you can just eat pineapple on the boat and your stomach will be bloated. So, when you take pictures, your face will look like this…

So glamorous...

But then you will get pictures like this...

Making the lies and bloating and heat all worth it.

Note: Break down of country visits to come. Stay tuned.

Confessions of a Cheesy Movie Lover

You know what I hate? When people ask what my favorite book is or my favorite movie is. You’re wondering why, of course. It’s because every time someone says, “Dayna, what is your favorite book?” I feel like I have to lie.

Those are the moments when some arbitrary, ridiculous, poorly written novel titles come to mind. I can’t scream out Can You Keep A Secret? or Harry Potter or God help me, (whisper) a Nicholas Sparks novel.

No. I always scream out Pride & Prejudice or The Catcher in the Rye or The Great Gatsby. Let’s be honest, those books are great, but I don’t grab them when I’m looking for some light and fun reading. I never imagine myself as the protagonist. I never think of these novels at the gym. I just think they’re well written.

I am convinced people do the same things with movies. We can never just come out and say, “Listen, I get sucked into Legally Blonde every time it’s on TV.” No. We answer with the movies that people will probably respect.

Don’t lie. I know you’re all sitting here thinking of that ONE movie you keep off your list. That one movie you bought on Amazon.com because you didn’t want to walk out of a store with it. Don’t lie.

And so…I present to you my public and private list of movies.

Public List:

5. Pride & Prejudice

4. Saving Private Ryan

3. Out of Africa

2. The Philadelphia Story

1. Roman Holiday

The Movies That Suck Me In…The Movies I Secretly Love To Watch:

5. You’ve Got Mail

4. Pure Country

3. Cast Away

2. Sweet Home Alabama

1. Titanic

Don’t lie. I know The Money Pitt totally just crossed your mind. Maybe Overboard? The Goonies! I know the Goonies was in your thoughts for a nanosecond.

Nick LeMasters: Victim of Boy Scout Hazing

Please refer to the above picture…I think we all know why he was hazed.

Tonight was full of secrets being revealed at Casa de LeMasters. I was shocked. I was horrified. I was entertained beyond belief. And so, my blog friends, I give to you the repressed “Nick LeMasters Childhood Memory.”

I sat on the patio chatting with my parents and this is what occurred:

Mom: Dayna, ask dad about his Boy Scout memory.

Me: Wow! What? You were in Boy Scouts? You have never told me this.

Dad: Yeah, for about two weeks.

Mom: I KNOW! He’s never told ME about this.

Me: Do I want to hear this? Is this like a creepy “Saturday Night Live Skit?”

Dad: It was early in my scouting life. We were at a campout at a location long since forgotten. All I know is that there were a lot of trees involved. I was initiated into the world of scouting.

The scoutmaster was Mr. John Casayrre. There were a couple of scout minions (following his majesty's orders) who tied me up to a tree. I swear one was an Eagle Scout.

Turns out Mr. Casayrre was quite the tool bag.

I was tied to a tree and was going to learn all about being a scout. This included Mr. Casayrre barking out questions about scouting, that I was forced to answer…while tied to a tree.

You’re wondering, what happened when I answered incorrectly, aren’t you? Well, Mr. Casayrre (the tool bag) sprayed me with a fire extinguisher filled with water…while I was tied to a tree. This was the same extinguisher that was supposed to put out our campfire.

The best part? Every time I answered a question I would have to say, “Yes sir, Mr. Casayrre, sir.” If I didn’t say it? I got the hose…all while tied to a tree.

Needless to say, I quite after two weeks.

Me: That is horrifying! Can I blog about this?
Dad: Maybe if you're nice to me I'll tell you about being left in the car for three hours on an excursion.

Mom: I’m concerned you’ve repressed more memories.

Me: Yeah…weren’t you an altar boy?

I Love A Little Cheese

I love when people appreciate my cheesiness.

As I was doing the wash tonight I found myself smiling. I pulled out a pair of socks that say, “Dad’s Sock” and “Dad’s Other Sock.” I bought these for my dad on a trip down to San Diego. The purchase stemmed from this blog. He’s not a sock sharer. Whatever.

Anyway. I found myself smiling because my dad actually wears the socks. I bought them as a joke...but he totally rocks them out when he is exercising. I LOVE THIS!

My cousin Jenny and her “unidentified male friend” came to visit a few weeks ago. Before she came out, she wrote to request “pictures with props.” This truly made me happy! The fact that someone other than my immediate family appreciates the weird pictures LeMasters’ take. I LOVE THIS!

I love that the people I work with indulge my strange need to become a part of literature. They totally rocked out Catcher in the Rye t-shirts. I may have mentioned The Great Gatsby t-shirts and may have been greeted with similar excitement. I LOVE THIS!

I love that I bring cheesiness into the classroom. I forced my students to make videos comparing Brave New World to high school. Following the awkward watching of the films we held “The Kennedy’s.” Get it…like The Oscars. I gave out buttons and trophies. It truly brought joy to my heart as I walked through the halls and senior guys were rocking out their Iron Man buttons. Like I almost cried from joy. I LOVE THIS!

I love that my dad, Mr. white-starch-shirt-guy, put this little hat on and said, “I wasn’t invited to the Frolic Fest last week. Take my picture.” I LOVE THIS!

My point? I love that people appreciate the cheesiness that is Dayna LeMasters. Holla! Thank you.

Worry Wart

Last night I went to see “The Avengers.” So good. As I was leaving with my friend the following conversation took place:

Jordan: I just love Iron Man. He’s so good looking.

Me: No. I would say Captain America is the better option.

Jordan: You’re kidding me right? No.

Me: Yes! Captain America in his little 1940’s clothes and haircut.

Jordan: There we go. Yep. Yeah. I totally see that and you.

Me: I’ll tell you what. The better option would be Captain America with Iron Man snarkiness.

Anyway. Not the point of this blog. It just gave me an excuse to post this picture…

You’re welcome.

Anyway. The point of this blog is to discuss my irrational fears. As I drove down the highway last night, someone threw a cigarette out the window. The cigarette embers flew and I drove over them. I know this is ridiculous, but I always brace myself for my car to blow up or my tire to melt or something just as dramatic to happen. Clearly, this is ridiculous, but I found myself thinking about my top five irrational fears.

5. Finding a reptile in my bed…typically a snake. There is no possibility of this happening. However, some nights, I pull those covers back and brace myself.

4. Being trapped in an elevator with someone who smells bad. Being trapped in an elevator is scary enough, but just imagine if the person with you had halitosis. OH! The horror.

3. My car blowing up from someone’s cigarette embers. See above.

2. My teeth falling out. The number of dreams I’ve had where my teeth have fallen out. Doesn’t matter that I know I have healthy teeth, I’m paranoid for the rest of the day. I find myself checking them periodically.

1. Contracting a disease from a toilet seat. Yes, I put toilet paper down or seat covers. Doesn’t matter. I always leave a public restroom thinking, “Today is the day I contracted a skin eating fungus."

Don’t judge. I know you’re going through your list as we speak.