Learned Behaviors

I’m fully aware that Scout Jean Louise LeMasters takes after her owner. It’s kind of hard to hide this fact when conversations like this happen:

Me: So Daisy, this little Scottie, comes up to Scout and tries to befriend her. Scout wasn’t interested. I had to tell the owner that Scout wasn’t taking applications for friends.

Mom: That is horrifying…and so you.

Me: I KNOW! I have this problem all the time. People think we’re friends and we are not. I completely understand Scout’s hesitance. This dog came over and started smelling her. Scout has a bubble that needs respecting.

Mom: Sigh.

Dad: Your dog wont pee on rocks.

Me: False. Were the rocks wet?

Dad: Yes. The fact that you know to ask that is so disturbing.

Me: Yeah. No. She doesn’t pee on wet rocks. She is Shoeless Joe Jackson. It’s probably pretty similar to me avoiding public restrooms.

Dad: Sigh.

Dad: Your dog has emotional issues.

Me: As always: rude. What happened?

Dad: She gathered up all the road-kill toys and put them in piles.

Me: Why is this shocking? I’ve sent you pictures of this! Did you think I made that up? That I was sitting at home making piles of toys, like some freaky scene from The Blair Witch Project? So insulting.

Dad: I don’t know. Its never happened over at our house. It freaked me out. I thought it was her way of dealing with your control issues.

Me: Lovely.

The true evidence that we are two peas in a pod came about a few days ago… It was awkward for everyone involved.

Mom: Scout is annoying me! When I pick her up in the afternoon she is not pooping on her tray. She poops on the cement next to it. It’s frustrating.

Me: Huh. How long has this been happening?

Mom: Two weeks. What is that face?

Me: Nothing. That’s weird.

Mom: No. I know that face. What?

Me: Well, two weeks ago I noticed you started putting the paper on the tray down vertically. You typically put it horizontal. I didn’t want to mention it because I knew you would bring up my color coded closet and the fact that I know when you touch things in my house.

Mom: Bullshit. That’s not what’s going on.

Me: Settle down. Wow. I’m just giving you my hypothesis.

Dad: If that’s true, your dog is a little freak!

Me: I don’t know. All I’m saying is that I think it’s annoying her that the paper now hangs off the tray, her paw touches it, and she's not stepping on it. I can’t be positive.

One Day Later (Text):

Me: I changed the paper to horizontal last night. What was the poop situation?

Mom: SHUT YOUR FACE! You and your dog have some issues.

Me: You can just say, “Dayna you were right.”

Mom: Dayna. I’m disgusted by your OCD issues…and your dog’s OCD issues.