Tell the Truth, Dayna

When you tell people you’re going to Europe, there is always the obligatory gasp. This is typically followed by the phrase, “I’m so jealous.” Sometimes people ask where in Europe you’re going and what you will be seeing. Then, if people have been to Europe, they tell you all about their trip. They make it sound majestic. I swear after talking to people I thought I was going to be in the film Roman Holiday. I kept thinking a Gregory Peck like man and I are going to ride around on a Vespa in Rome. I’m going to look like this…

I am here to tell you that this is all a ridiculous scam. People don’t tell the truth. They remember the amazing scenery, but block out the bits where they don’t shower for twenty-four hours because they’re on a plane. I’m here to tell you the truth about travel in Europe. As my cousin would say, “Dayna! Tell the truth.”

Before you freak out and think I’m committing some horrific crime against society, I will say calm down. Europe is beautiful and I loved my time there. I get it. I know that when I say I took the train from Paris to Rome it creates an image straight from a Harry Potter film. I just want to clear up some miscommunications. I now know the truth…so here we go.

The Boat:

When I told people I was going on a cruise of Europe, they freaked out. HOW AMAZING! HOW EXCITING! I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO A MEDITERRANIAN CRUISE! I’VE DONE THAT, IT’S SO AMAZING!

Here is what no one ever tells you. The shower on the boat is literally for an Oompa Loompa, okay? I had to literally stick my leg outside the shower in order to shave my legs. I was taller than the showerhead, so I had to squat down to wash my hair.

Here is what no one ever tells you. There are “At Sea Days.” I knew this going in. What I didn’t expect was for the unexpected “Two Days At Sea.” No one tells you that after one day on the water, with no stops, you begin to have what I have coined “The Shining Moments.” Moments when you think to yourself, I can totally relate to Jack Nicholson right now. Let me tell you, this was a low point. When you start relating to a horror film, you’ve got issues.

Here is what no one ever tells you. James Cameron is a LIAR! Remember that magical moment in Titanic when Rose and Jack are on the front of the boat and she says, “Jack, I’m flying.” TOTAL LIE! The front of the boat is freaking dangerous. It is so windy you can barely walk. I swear I got wind burned. My hair hit me so hard in the eye that it started watering. There I was with my camera, all ready for my front of the boat picture…what a sucker!

The Sites:

People are always keen to tell you what sites to visit. They say how breathtaking everything is. How stunning everything is. What they don’t tell you is that these sites are like Disneyland. I think we’ve all been to Disneyland at one time or another when they say, “Sorry, The Matterhorn is closed for construction.” Who knew, Buckingham Palace was the same way? I had this in mind…

What did I get?

WHAT THE HELL?

A separate blog will be coming about The Vatican. I will tease it by saying, that is the biggest scam in history. 

The Train:

You’re still thinking about The Hogwarts Express when I mention the train in Europe, aren’t you? Get that out of your head. Oh. My. Gosh. I will start by saying that I can never go to jail. Like seriously. I wouldn’t last ten minutes in a cell. Everyone tells you to take the train in Europe. The scenery! Oh, my!

No. False. What don’t they tell you? You’ll probably catch the train at night, so you can sleep, making the European Country Side a little fantasy. They will also not mention that all of the stops are covered in graffiti, making me wonder if I’m still in the US. They won’t mention that a double-sleeper is really more like a closet and you won’t be able to turn around in it. They won’t mention that you will be nervous about sleeping on the bed and will probably wrap your pillow in a North Face jacket. The best little tidbit that they will leave out? Italian Police officers will pound on your door at 1am for your passport and when you open the door you will be barreled over by a drug-sniffing dog. Doesn’t that just sound magical?

Totally wishing you were me, aren't you?

Your Phone:
Before leaving for Europe I knew I needed to turn off 3G because the roaming charges are ridiculous. "It doesn't really matter, everyone has WiFi." REALLY? REALLY?

What people don't tell you is that finding WiFi is a pain. Then when you do find it, your phone doesn't connect. The only place it did work? Starbucks. You know there is an issue when you're about to walk into the Turkish Bazaar or The Louvre and you think, "Oh. My Gosh. STARBUCKS! Hold on just a second."

Turkish Starbucks, friends.
Your Body:

The number of times I heard the phrase, “Oh! The pictures you will take.” They leave out one of the most important things a woman needs to know…

You will bloat. Between elevation change, constipation, lack of sleep, and the freaking Mediterranean heat, you will bloat. Like your face will look as if you got stung by a bee. Like you can just eat pineapple on the boat and your stomach will be bloated. So, when you take pictures, your face will look like this…

So glamorous...

But then you will get pictures like this...

Making the lies and bloating and heat all worth it.

Note: Break down of country visits to come. Stay tuned.