A Drug Induced Conversation

Instead of providing you with quotes this week, I decided that a better use of our time together would be to provide you with tidbits from our days at home with my dad…post surgery. If you’ll recall, he is not a nice guy when he has procedures done…Heidi’s & Colonoscopies. So here you go…top one-liners and exchanges.

Dad: Am I being nice?

Dad: I can’t feel my teeth. Something is wrong.
Mom: That’s because your face is numb. You’re fine.
Dad: No. This isn’t right! I can’t feel my teeth. Get a nurse!
Nurse: Sir, this is perfectly normally. You’re just numb.
Dad: Yeah. That’s what I thought. I was just checking.

Dad: Where’s Dayna?

Dad: I want to change.
Mom: I’ll go get you some clothes.
Dad: I don’t want black shorts! I want my white shorts. What is that? I don’t want a button up shirt! I want my Woolrich shirt, the grey one.
Mom (As she walks past me): I want to poke him in the eye.

Dad: Where’s Dayna?

Mom: Nick, please stop trying to smile. It’s creeping me out.

Dad: Where’s Dayna?

Dad: I hate this tape over my nose. It’s really awful. I have to breathe through my mouth and my glasses keep fogging up.

Dad: I’m not wearing these damn blood clot socks anymore.
Mom: You have to wear them for two days. You’ve only had them on for one.
Dad: Don’t care. Not doing it.

Me: Hey. Mom said you want another Jamba Juice, so…
Dad: I don’t want Jamba Juice! I want a muffin.
Me: Okay. Did you have a specific one in mind?
Dad: I want a Starbucks blueberry muffin. Not the non-fat. I want all the fat.
Me: Anything else with that, sir?
Dad: Yes. I want an iced tea. Four Splenda. It’s not right without four. You can get yourself something, too.
Me: Oh. Don’t you worry; you were already buying me something.

This may be my favorite:
Dad: You know what mom said to me? She said I’d be a mean drunk.

He did ask me to take a picture of him, but I think that was the drugs talking...

Insults & Comebacks

It’s no secret that people easily annoy me. It’s not something I’m proud of. But really people! Stop being so weird. Anyway, due to my tendency to dislike people, the following will come as no surprise to anyone.

Today my dad is having his nose surgery. Don’t you love how scientific I am? If you’ve ever had surgery before, you know that you pick your dinner very wisely; as it is the last thing you’ll eat for 12 hours. So the supportive people we are, we joined him at Chipotle. Following our little gathering we went on an impromptu accessories trip.

As per usual, my dad spent that time flipping through books in the shop (most accessory stores have hilarious books). As I was walking around I kept hearing him chuckle. When I asked what he was reading, he told me it was a book called “Insults & Comebacks: Pithy Proclamations.” I was immediately intrigued. I even stopped browsing for a second to join in the fun. Needless to say, we left the shop with the book.

As we were walking to the car, I would read out random insults. After about the fifth insult my dad said, “Huh. You know what’s funny? These sound completely natural coming out of your mouth. You have that perfect sarcastic tone.” I didn’t know whether to be insulted or not.

Anyway. I’ve pulled 10 of my favorite insults from the book. Enjoy!

10. Whatever look you were going for, you missed.

9. Yes. I’ve heard that story before. An hour ago.

8. Oh. I’m sorry. You’ve obviously mistaken me for someone who cares.

7. Oh. My. Gosh. Are you still talking?

6. I wish I was as smart as you think you are.

5. Oh, I’m sorry- I didn’t realize I was supposed to laugh.

4. Okay. Clearly you’ve chosen knowing everything over having friends.

3. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

2. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

1. I don’t mind your talking as long as you don’t mind my not listening.

The Man Behind The Curtain

I know what you're thinking...and yes...my hair does still look like this in the morning.
Santa...No...More like an elf.

I don’t know how Santa treated you as a kid, but he was kinda-sorta-totally awesome at the LeMasters’ house. He would always ate the cookies, he would leave a trail of leaves around the living room (mom was peeved about that), and one year I wrote him a note on Christmas Eve asking for an Easy Bake Oven…and he brought it! He was magical.

Let’s be honest, Nick and Robyn LeMasters did a brilliant job with the whole charade. I can’t imagine the amount of time that went into setting up the night before. No, wait, hold that thought…I can totally imagine it! Why? I got a glimpse of what I believe Christmas Eve used to look like back in the good old days.

Last week we went over to Ryan and Emily’s to watch the kiddos. It came complete with baby-proofed cabinets (damn things), my mom building a fort in the basement, and my dad putting together a toy for Mr. Nick. It took him a good amount of time to put it together…this is how our conversation went.

Me: You all right there? It looks like you’re struggling with the seat.
Dad: These directions are misleading. Look at the picture. What is that? This is ridiculous.
Me: I think you may need to turn the seat inside out and fold it over.
Dad: No. That doesn’t seem right.

A Little Later…
Dad: Oh. You know what I think? I think we have to turn this inside out.
Me: Wow. That is brilliant. I bet that will work perfectly.
Dad: It’s working! Wow. Done. This is great. Glad I worked that out.
Me: Yeah. You are awesome. Brilliant.
Having the time of his life.

Nick’s 1st birthday is coming up in a week and I was sent out to buy a present. What did I buy? A fantastic car that he controls with his feet. Yes, assembly was required.

Me: How long have you been working on this?
Dad: A little while. I’ve stopped to watch football as I go.
Me: Wow. Glad you’re paying attention. I bet a wheel will fly off when Nick sits in it.
Dad: I’ve been building things for years. I know what I’m doing.

A Little Later…
Dad: Are you kidding me?
Me: What’s happening? How’s it coming?
Dad: These decals are ridiculous. The adhesive is too strong.
Me: Wow. That sounds terrible. You know what was also not fun? Carrying that box to my car.
Dad: Wow. I bet that was a real struggle for you. I mean honestly, you practically built this.
Me: I think those eye stickers go on the windshield.
Dad: I’m not there yet. I follow the directions.

A Little Later…
Dad: Done!
Me: I like it. Nicely done.
Dad: You know? Most grandpas or pops or granddads would have just given this to him in a box. I am a Gramps. Gramps builds things!
Me: Ugh. Please don’t refer to yourself in the third person. It’s totally creepy.
Dad: Gramps is awesome.

I would like to add that I just know that my future husband is going to love my commentary at midnight on Christmas Eve.

The Great Debate

We all do different things with our money. If I had 450 bucks just lying around I would head on down to Anthropologie and buy clothes. By clothes I mean a pair of pants and a top…That store is ridiculously priced…I still love it, though. My mom would use 450 dollars on the backyard. My dad uses the money to buy a new driver…leading to one of the greatest conversations I have ever been subject to!

Mom: You just bought a new driver.

Dad: No. I bought one 5 years ago. The technology changes all the time. I could have bought one 2 years ago, but I didn’t. I waited. It’s time.

Mom: This is ridiculous! You just want a new one because you think that it’s going to get you to the hole in one swing.

Dad: Not one, but less. Yes.

Mom: This is stupid. What happened to wooden clubs?

Dad: Are you kidding me? It’s not even a comparison.

Mom: So you’re saying that if Arnold Palmer used wooden clubs he wouldn’t be as good?

Dad: You only know his name from the drink! He would be good, but not as amazing as if he had the newest technology.

Mom: What about bowling balls? That technology hasn’t changed there.

Me: What are you talking about?

Mom: Oh. Be quite! Okay. What about tennis rackets? There is nothing wrong with wooden tennis rackets.

Dad: Are you kidding me? If you used a wooden racket against someone with the newest strings you would be killed.

Mom: Yeah, but if we both had wooden rackets, I bet we’d have a great time.

Dad: Right. Whatever. I’m saying that if you’re playing competitively, you want the best.

Mom: OH! WOW! Competitively. I didn’t realize you were competitive. I had forgotten that you played for 50 cents a hole once a week. WOW!

Dad: I’m competitive with myself. Dayna, help me out here!

Me: No. I just got yelled at. I’m out of this. I will be blogging about it, though!

Mom: Whatever. Go get your asshole drive.

Dad: Wow. There is no reason to get like that! I don’t like curse words.

Me: I think she meant asinine.

Mom: Exactly. Whatever. I’m not the only one using words incorrectly around here. Competitive. PLEASE!

I would just like to say that if this is the biggest argument I have with my future husband after 33 years, I will feel completely blessed. I would also like to add that my dad did get the new golf club and he was like a child on Christmas morning.

The Escape Artist

I should probably preface this entry by saying that my dad called me yesterday to say, “Dayna. I’ve got your next blog.” Little did he know, I already had this idea in the back of my mind…but yesterday’s events were kind of the cherry on top of the sundae (I think that’s the phrase).

Since my mom was my age, probably even before that, she has always had a way with people. She’s a talker. Small talk, short stories, long stories, it doesn’t matter. She can talk with strangers or friends or family. I did not get that gene. I only talk to people I know well. I’ve never been good at the whole small talk thing. Apparently this is a skill you can learn, I haven’t accomplished that yet.

My mom is also charming. So, mix charm and a whole lot of talk and what do you get? A get out of ticket free card!

2 Weeks Ago:
Mom: I got pulled over by a police officer this morning at 4:30.
Me: Oh. My. Gosh. You finally got a ticket! What did you do?
Mom: No. I did not. He pulled me and over and when he came to the window I said, “Are you okay?” He thought that was funny. But honestly, he was acting really weird when he pulled me over.
Me: Oh. My. Gosh.
Mom: Yeah. So he said, “Do you not use signals?” and I said, “Not at 4:30 in the morning.” So he wanted my ID but I couldn’t get it out of my wallet and I told him I was going to the hospital and that I had a headache. He asked if I was going to the hospital for the headache and I said, “Silly! I work there.” Anyway. He said forget the ticket. He just looked at my name badge and said I could leave.
Me: If I had pulled you over and you started talking like that, I would have given you a Breathalyzer.
Mom: I know! Anyway. I just kept thinking I’m glad he didn’t see me driving down the road and treating red lights like stop signs.
Me: Oh. My. Gosh. Why were you changing lanes that early anyway?
Mom: It’s not my fault that some 75-year-old woman was driving in front of me. I wasn’t putting up with that.

Yesterday…While on the phone with me….
Mom: Oh. Just a second, some police officer is waving at me. “What? Oops. I’m sorry. I’ll slow down.”
Me: Wait. What just happened?
Mom: Oh. This officer was waving at me and I yelled out the window what and he said the speed limit was 25 and I was going 35.
Me: Did you stop?
Mom: No. I just said sorry and kept going. I’m watching him out of the mirror. He’s just laughing.
Me: Oh. My. Gosh. Wow. Okay. This is ridiculous. Anyone else would have gotten a ticket. I think you’re a little escape artist!
Mom: Yep. Record is still clean!

I should add that I think my dad holds a lot of resentment about these events...his driving record is not too pretty (Always the speed traps).

Top LeMasters Quotes...This Week

1. If someone called me drunk at 1am and said, "I need you" I'd be furious. -Robyn LeMasters after hearing Lady Antebellum's Need You Now.

2. I found my keys. They were in with the Cheetos. -Robyn LeMasters

3. If I found a fairy, I'd smash it. -Zach LeMasters, Age 3

4. I'm perusing Dayna's Facebook. I'm allowed to...It's all about me! -Nick LeMasters

5. So anyway I told the vet that if I was bleeding in a cave, I'd let a dog lick my wounds. -Robyn LeMasters after being told by the vet that dog's saliva having healing abilities is most likely a myth.

Heidi's & Colonoscopies

As promised…A story about Nick LeMasters’ belligerent ways when he has any sort of surgery. This story comes from his colonoscopy. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, mostly because he’s going under the knife for some sort of nose/smell issue. Apparently, he has a 70% blockage. Personally, I say keep the blockage. I’m at 100% smell capacity and it's no picnic. The things I’ve smelled…

We’ll see if the surgery even happens. I think he was a little put off when my mom told him about a patient that came to the hospital. Apparently, he had the same procedure and has had a constant runny nose for the past year. This story was followed by her telling my dad, “I’m not going to put up with that.”

Anyway. About a year ago my dad went in for his colonoscopy. I had never seen him on any drugs before…but this way eye opening. He came home with my mom and was totally out of it. He sat down on the couch and the following exchange happened as my mom was putting his clothes away.

Mom: Nick. What are these?
Dad: What?
Mom: These socks?
Dad: I got them at the hospital. I liked them.
Mom: I specifically told you these were not to come home with us! They're gross. You snuck them in the bag when I wasn’t looking.
Dad: Of course I did! I love those socks.
Mom: See. This is why I hate when you get stuff done. You think you’re a little general and in charge…I’ve got news for you buddy…YOU ARE NOT. These are going in the trash.

1 Hour Later:
Dad: I’m hungry.
Mom: I’ll make you some cream of wheat.
Dad: I’m not eating that! I want a sandwich. Let’s go to Heidi’s.
Mom: We are not doing that. You need to rest. You shouldn’t be eating that big of a meal anyway.
Dad: We’re going. I want an egg salad sandwich.

We Drove to Heidi’s…He ate half a sandwich and turned white…he threw up on the way home…

Mom: Are you kidding me? I told you this would happen!
Dad: It has nothing to do with the sandwich. It’s your driving. Anyone would get sick.
Mom: So we’re done with this conversation. Go take a nap. We’ll talk when you’re not being mean.

Looking forward to next week! I’ve got news for you Nick LeMasters, we’re not taking any orders from you!