The Case of The Hanky Panky Bandit

I would be remiss if I did not record my day for public record. Today I was robbed. That’s right. R.O.B.B.E.D.

This is my last week of work before I leave for the summer. As I drove along to work I thought to myself, “Dayna, you need to celebrate this. Treat yourself to a bagel.” And so I did. I stopped off at the Einstein Bagels I frequent on occasion. I grabbed my wallet, locked my door, and headed inside for that delicious bagel with strawberry shmear. What could go wrong today…apparently a heck of a lot.

As I walked back to my car I couldn’t help but feel like Dorothy as she landed in Oz. WHAT THE HELL IS GONG ON? The first thought going through my mind was, “Huh. I know my window didn’t look like that a few minutes ago.” That’s when I realized my computer bag was gone, along with my cell phone and window. Sigh. It took me a full minute to jump to action.

I went back inside Einstein’s (a place I will forever avoid) and told them I needed to call the police. She gave me the phone and I just starred. How do I work this? Who do I call? That’s when the tears started. I then counted my lucky stars that I had FOUR phone numbers memorized. FOUR! How sad is that? This was the moment when the girl offered me a free drink and some random guy told me he hoped I had a better day. I immediately hated both of them. Upon reflection I should feel grateful for some kindness in the middle of my horror, but alas I was not.

When the paddy wagon arrived the officers words of wisdom to me were, “I’d start buying my bagels in Centennial. This is a terrible area.” Really? Thanks. I don’t work down the street or anything! He then took a report, cleared the glass, and gave me directions to the nearest vacuum. I was still in tears.

It was at this point that my brother Ryan arrived. Thank heavens. It wasn’t without a bit of a talk about, “I told you to use Find My iPhone.” With my response, in tears, “I DON’T SUPPORT BIG BROTHER OPERATIONS!” I do now, of course.

It was during this moment in time that I got ahold of my mom and dad. One Robyn LeMasters stated, “I hate people. I want to stab him in the eyebrow.” Always the pragmatic problem solver. One Nick LeMasters stated, “This is terrible. What needs to happen? I’ll call your work.” Always the man of action.

I drove in to work in order to tell them I was out for the day. Of course this was while I wore large, blacked out glasses. Why you ask? Well, the bandit took off with my make-up bag. I had mascara running down my face and chunky, purple eye shadow on my lids. It didn’t help my self-esteem that my glasses kept fogging up while I talked to my boss. The movies don’t prepare you for this scenario at all. At this point in any good romantic comedy I would look fabulous while some guy gallantly found my purse. Not so…

As I drove my car away from work, it was this moment when I realized they had stolen Scout’s basket. It’s one thing to steal my computer and phone, but my dog’s driving basket? ARE YOU INSANE? When I informed my dad about this he replied, “Those bastards.” It should be noted that he was more upset about Scout’s loss than mine, too. And so with this discovery I drove to Apple, still in tears.

I needed a new phone! How would I fix this terrible situation without a phone? As I went in to Apple I was so upset thinking of the 200 bucks I was going to have to drop for a new phone. Imagine my reaction when the gentleman informed me that I was still under contract and would need to pay $650. And so in tears I left Apple with no phone. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I would rather be cut off from all technology than drop 650 big ones on a new phone. Thank the good lord for Nick LeMasters, who willed and dealed with his AT&T store for me.

It was at this time that I went home to get Scout and drove to the only location in Colorado with a landline…Nick and Robyn LeMasters. I took care of the few things I could involving the theft and car. Then I went to sleep. The entire time Scout felt the need to check on me and bring me toys. When I woke up I was covered in a pile of pig toys. I feel like it was similar to waking up to the horse head in The Godfather.

It was around 3pm that I got the call! Jake, who raises chickens, had found my computer and cell phone. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I jumped in my broken car and headed to his house. That’s right folks, I got my computer and cell phone back. What am I missing? Tissue, make-up, gum, a pair of panties…and Scout’s basket. She’s still pissed about that. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? This person broke into my car for a pair of undies.

Of course when I called my dad to tell him what I discovered his first question was, “Were they A or B teams?” They were A teams, in case you were wondering.

And so I sit here tonight typing on my computer, forever turned off of bagel and shmear, down a pair of undies, and trying to help Scout cope with her loss. 

However, I will end with what my brother Ryan said, “Now that’s some clean living right there.”

Signed,

Dayna LeMasters

Keeping Denver in Undies since 2014

LeMasters & Scout

Well hello there! It’s been exactly ten months since my last blog. You can thank my job as a public educator for my sabbatical. Since we last met I purchased a house and I purchased a dog. The house alone could provide endless blogs, but Miss Scout Jean Louise LeMasters is what really keeps me busy.

I didn’t plan to buy a dog my first month of living in the new “doll house,” as my dad so lovingly refers to it. However, after a bit of pressure from my mom I purchased a pup. I should mention that it was said by aforementioned mom “My new home would sit better with her if I had a man living with me.” The man didn’t happen…the dog did.

On a bit of a whim, the parents and I drove up to Fort Lupton, Colorado to look at dachshund puppies. I had planned to put a down payment on a two-week-old English, long haired, dachshund. She was the half-sister of my parents’ dog, Gracie. I thought, “HOW FUN TO HAVE SISTERS!” Well…things took a bit of a turn when I spotted Miss Scout. She was the quiet, well mannered, lady, sitting calmly in the middle of dog chaos. So. I left that night with a nine week old, American, long haired, dachshund. The below picture is me leaving the farm…look at the joy on my face!

When we got home I realized I was swindled…The joy on my face quickly turned into a scene from the film “Turner & Hooch.” Remember this scene…THIS WAS MY LIFE FOR THREE DAYS!

I didn't give her any food, but I did wrap her in one of my shirts with a nightlight. DIDN'T WORK! I swear those nights were God's way of testing my patience...while he laughed. 

Over the next week she began to sleep through the night and I didn’t kill her, so that was a definite plus! My mom was also kind of enough to come and check on her at 1pm while I worked until 4pm. She would tell me what a wonderful, perfect, angel Scout was. REALLY? Because when I got home I would find this…

Look at that! It's like finding a kid who collapsed from a sugar high. Look at poor Ellie the Elephant. I don't know what she did to be thrown in the corner, but holy cow! I think I'm dealing with some serious anxiety issues. I also think Nana is keeping secrets...

I know you're all thinking, "Wow! Dayna has a lot on her plate. I bet she's regretting that purchase." Let's all calm it down a bit. While I am dealing with some new, and quite frankly, LUDICROUS situations, I also have a freaking cute girl sitting on my lap. A girl who wags her tail in pure happiness when I come home. A girl who gives me kisses in the middle of attacking toys. And most importantly a girl who is pre-maturely graying, just like me...we're hair twins! I just adore her...how could you not love this girl? I mean, look at the perfectly round head!

Note: It should be mentioned that the last paragraph is the mantra I keep saying over and over in my head when terrible events happen. Teaser: Dead mouse, bathroom flooding, urine samples, and wall eating. STAY TUNED!

Naples...An Education

I’m about to head back to work and realize that I need to get all of my travel blogs done. So where were we? Ah yes, I was heading to Naples, Italy. From Naples we would drive to Pompeii to tour the city and hike Mt. Vesuvius. I had never hiked a volcano, so I was very excited about the prospect. It was an eight-hour day and let’s just say, I learned a lot of, um, well, hmm, interesting facts about Pompeii’s extra-curricular activities. 

Pompeii:

As previously discussed, I didn’t wear the headphones on these tours. I’m not into having things touch me when it’s 100 degrees out and I’m surrounded by thousands of people. Looking back, I probably should have worn the headphones in Pompeii. It would have saved this semi-conservative girl quite a few shocks.

Walking through the city:

Travel Companion: So that’s where they kept the gladiators. You know, women used to pay A LOT of money to be with gladiator.

Me: I know. I’ve seen the movie Gladiator. I know all about it. Anyway, do you hear her keep saying look at the arrows in the stone walkways?

Travel Companion: Yeah.

Me: Is it just me, but I’m not seeing arrows, I’m seeing, um…

Travel Companion: You’re not seeing things. That’s a penis. It’s a penis carved into a stone walkway.

Me: I knew it! Is she saying why?

Travel Companion: She keeps saying that it’s pointing to some street that we’ll go down.

Me: Huh. Um. Okay. Weird.

Travel Companion: Yeah. I’m gonna take a picture of it.

Waiting in line to enter a small building:

Me: Why do I keep hearing her say, “It was like McDonald’s?”

Travel Companion: I have no idea. I hope this line moves fast, it’s so hot out here.

Me (as we enter): OH! MY! GOSH! WHAT IS GOING ON?

Travel Companion: YES! Best thing I’ve seen the whole trip. I get the McDonald’s reference. Look at the menu!

Me: This used to be a whore house! So gross. What is going on. Oh! My! Gosh! Stop taking pictures of “the menu.”

Travel Companion: This is fantastic. I can probably tell you the names…

Me: Stop. No. Stop talking. Well, at least we have an answer about the “arrows” now.

Mt. Vesuvius:

And so after being scarred for life, we headed to Mt. Vesuvius. Did I mention that we would be hiking this volcano at 1pm in 100 degree weather? Did I mention that at this point my body had swelled so much that it probably looked like I was five months pregnant? Oh, did I mention that this isn’t like hiking a mountain, where as you climb it gets cooler? No! As you climb, in the ash, it only gets hotter. Like Hell.

Look at my face. No, a bee didn’t sting me. Freaking Mediterranean heat!

I was willing to put all of this aside because I was hiking a volcano. Now, I think we know that I have a tendency to romanticize things. So, while I was hiking this beast of a volcano all I could think about was that movie Dante’s Peak. I kept thinking I was going to see some lava. HELLO! If there were lava, we’d be in trouble. So when I got to the top and saw this…. I was a little annoyed.

DIRT! Anyway. We stayed up there for about thirty minutes and enjoyed the view of Pompeii. Then this happened:

Travel Companion 1: I really don't feel like walking down.

Me: It won't be that bad. At least it's down hill.

Travel Companion 2: I seriously wish there was a car to take us down.

Travel Companion 3: It will be fine. Suck it up.

Me: Hey travel companion 3, can you take one more picture of me and the view?

A few minutes later:

Me: Where did the guys go?

Travel Companion 2: See you guys down there! HA HA HA!

Travel Companion 3: Did that seriously just happen?

Me: It happened. That might be the laziest thing I've ever encountered.

Travel Companion 3: I'm going to say some not nice things when we get down there.

Thirty minutes later:

Me: I hate you all. Lazy. Just lazy.

Travel Companion 1: If it makes you feel better the driver gave us a really hard time. "You don't let ladies take the car? You not a gentleman."

Me: Couldn't have said it better myself.

After a day of education, exercise, and heat, we went to get some pizza. It was good. I liked it. I came home and ate at Beau Joe's and felt the same way about their pizza. Isn't this just awful? 

I went to Naples and all I got were some awkward memories...at least it was more enjoyable than Athens, Greece.  And I think we can all agree that after being considered a Turkish Tramp, this was quite the change. 

Next up? My trip to Vatican City...