How Do I End Up In These Situations?

I love animals. When I say I love animals, I mean I’m a cuddle up on the couch with a dog kind of girl. My mom on the other hand, is a find an abandoned baby bird and rescues it kind of girl. This is how our story begins.

Last night I was called outback where I found my mom holding a wild, baby bird. She told me she had found it on the grass and it had fallen out of a birdhouse. She then took it upon herself to make phone call after phone call trying to find a place to take the bird. It was after 6, so no one was answering. This is where I find myself involved.

Mom: I’ve looked up all the number, now all you need to do it call them in the morning and drive him down there.
Me: Wooh. Wooh. Wooh. Why am I doing this?
Mom: I have to work until 1 and dad has corporate in town…so there you go.
Me: This is horrible. I want you to know that I’m very unhappy right now.
Mom: Great. Here are the numbers.

So I woke up this morning, hoping the bird was at least alive, because I knew that if it wasn’t I would somehow be blamed. It was. Lucky me. So, I sat at my desk calling each of the six numbers provided, all going directly to voicemail. I should also mention that during this time my blind, deaf, 16 year old dog, in a cast fell off my bed with a loud THUMP…then looked at me like it was my fault. At this point I was feeling less than thrilled with my morning.


Two hours later I finally got through to place called “Wild Birds.” It was a number I found scrawled across a box in the garage. Apparently, my mom got the number last night. When I asked for their address they wouldn’t give it to me, only directions. SUSPCIOUS! I set out, in my little scarf and curly hair…

As I drove down the highway all I could think about was that movie "The Birds." I just kept imagining this baby bird somehow learning to fly and attacking me while I drove. I could just see the headlines tonight, "Woman Pecked To Death, By Bird She Was Trying to Save." Ugh. The horror.

When I found the place the first thought that went through my head was, “This is the kind of house you see on 9 News at 5.” I just knew I was going to be the headline on the news tonight. I walked up the muddy front, no lawn, just mud. Birds everywhere, in cages on the ground, in the trees. I knocked. They wouldn’t let me in the house and I had to stand on the front porch to fill out forms. SUSPICIOUS! I assume this is because saving wild birds is a front and I was really standing outside a meth house.

The girl informed me that they had been shut down in August, as they couldn’t afford to keep doing this. They depend on people’s donations, so if I wanted to donate today it would be great “so they could pay their electric bills.” SUSPICIOUS! As I filled out the forms I felt my heart rate increase. They wanted my address and I knew I couldn’t give them a fake because I was going to be writing a check that had the real address on it!

I then went to the car to get my checkbook and filled out the check for $40.00. That’s right! 40 big ones, because the form said that’s how much it would take to care for the bird. As I handed over the check I just knew that a SWAT team was going to pop out of the bushes. I just knew this was a sting. I just kept telling myself, if that happens, just scream, “ROBYN LEMASTERS MADE ME DO THIS! I’M JUST DROPPING OFF A BIRD!”

I gave her the check and got out of dodge. I now find myself worrying that some strange person will show up at our house tonight to rob us.

How do I end up in these situations? Oh, and yes, Robyn LeMasters we’ll be discussing reimbursement later…it may be more than 40 bucks due to pain and suffering.

Oh…Shelby the 16 year old, blind, deaf, casted dog almost fell down the stairs as I wrote this. Good times. Good times.

Camping...Troop Beverly Hills Style

I am not a camper. I don’t understand it. I’m happy to go out hiking or fishing, but why do I have to sleep on the ground, while freezing, and let’s be honest not smelling all that great? No, I’m all about spending the day outside followed by a shower and comfortable bed.

Some would disagree with me, including my brother Ryan. Every year he plans a guys camping trip. It’s an overnighter for himself, my nephew Zach, and Gramps…soon my nephew Nick will be able to join them! It wasn’t until this year that I realized they aren’t camping at all. Well, they are if you consider Troop Beverly Hills to be a camping movie.

Before Leaving:
Dad: Did you get the burgers and guacamole from Tony’s?
Me: Yes. You guys are really roughing it with your gourmet food.
Dad: Yeah. Well I like to eat quality food.
Me: What is that? What are you bringing?
Dad: My iPad. I want to read before I go to bed.
Me: Are you kidding me? You don’t bring electronics camping. It’s about getting back to the basics. WHAT IS THAT?
Dad: A blow up mattress. I’m not sleeping on the ground.
Me: Wow. Oh. My. Gosh. This isn’t camping.

Packing The Food:
Me: I noticed you didn’t put breakfast food on your list, so I didn’t get you anything for the morning.
Dad: Yeah. We go to IHOP.
Me: Stop it. Are you serious?
Dad: Do you know how time consuming cooking breakfast is? No. I’m not doing that.
Me: This isn’t camping. I don’t even know what to call this, but it’s not camping.

Later That Night:
Ring. Ring. Ring.
Me: Hello?
Dad: Hey! What are you guys up to?
Me: Are you kidding me right now? No. Why are you calling? This is male bonding time. Camping. You don’t make phone calls.

Who knew camping had become so high class? I guess this is their GQ camping trip. I bet Oprah would be willing to attend a LeMasters’ campout.

Good Old Predictable Dayna

My family likes to dress up…well…I force my family to dress up at get-togethers. Whether or not they like it doesn’t really matter to me. Personally, I get a kick out of the photos.

The point of this is, honestly, this is the only time I step out of my comfort zone. You won’t see me rocking a sparkly pink hat in public. Well…There was that one time at Chuck E. Cheese. Anyway. I’m conservative. I don’t take risks. I like routine. I don’t like the unknown. People realize I’m predictable pretty quick. As you will see in the following conversations:

Chat 1:
Me: I heard that women should not wear engagement rings in interviews, because you’re less likely to get the job. They automatically think you’ll need time off and eventually quit to have kids.
Dad: Where did you hear that? That is ridiculous.
Me: I don’t want to say. You’ll think it’s not a trustworthy source.
Dad: Tell me.
Me: The radio.
Dad: Station?
Me: No. Not saying.
Dad: So, Alice.
Me: Why would you guess that?
Dad: (laughter) You are so predictable! Oh, that is a crap station.

Chat 2:
Me: So I’m at Starbucks with my book. I’ve got my chai. I’m ready to start my new book and then fire alarm. I gave it about 3 minutes and then left.
Person: So, where did you go? You went to Barnes & Noble didn’t you?
Me: Why would you guess that?
Person: HA! You totally did. I know you so well.

Chat 3:
Me (to mom): So, anyway I don’t like that about the gym.
Dad: Why don’t you try a different 24 Hours Fitness?
Me: What are you talking about?
Dad: Aren’t you talking about how you don’t like someone at your gym?
Me: No. Not at all.
Dad: Huh. I just assumed. You typically talk about people you don’t like at the gym.
Me: Nice. Good to know that my anti-social tendencies are the first thing to come to mind. Nice.

Home Improvement...Robyn LeMasters Style

I don’t know if anyone has gone through a remodel of sorts, but I can tell you it is horrible. I want these strange men out of the house. I would like to walk down the stairs without fear of falling…as there is no banister. I would like to use the bathroom on a regular basis. Finish up and get out!

Anyway. During remodels you start to try to control the things you can. You finish all those projects you’ve been putting off for years. In my case it was organizing my closet. By organizing my closet I of course mean updating drawer units, hooks, and hangers. My closet is always organized…Just ask my mom who borrows things and puts the brown sweater in with the black sweaters. Who does that?

Anway. One of the updates was to add hooks to the closet for my jewelry. Previously, it was kind of like playing JINGA when you went in to get a piece, one false move and a pile of necklaces was on the floor. The following was a conversation that took place over the course of three days:

Day 1:
Me: I’m thinking about putting knobs on my closet wall to hold my necklaces. I thought it would be a fun way to organize them.

Mom: FINALLY! YES! Do it. I like the idea.

Day 2:
Me: I got the knobs. Do you think dad can put them up for me?

Mom: Oh. No. Dayna. We don’t tell dad about hanging up these knobs.

Me: Why?

Mom: Let’s just say he would be less than thrilled with what I do.

Me: Okay. Can you tell me what to do and I can put them up?

Mom: Yes. You take the screwdriver and poke a hole in the wall. Then take the glue gun and fill the hole and the back of the knob. Stick it in the wall and hold it.

Me: Are you kidding me? This goes against everything you taught me about hanging things while growing up. What about when we have to take these off?

Mom: That’s not my problem. You and your brothers can deal with that. Do you want cute things or not?

Day 3:
Me: I tried making the holes. It made me nervous. I made an opening that would fit a nail and it’s still not big enough!

Mom: You’re not being tough. Just stab it! (At this point she stabs the wall and makes a whole the size of a pen).

Me: OOOOHHHH! NO! OHMYGOSH. WOW. Okay.

Mom: I’ll just do them. Make sure dad doesn’t walk in.

Glad to say that the closet is complete and totally awesome! Now if they would just lay the freaking carpet I could move out the DVDs. HURRY UP AND GET OUT!

Note: I should note that Nick LeMasters does know about the gluing that takes place...he just doesn't like it.

The Glitter Tyrant

This Labor Day weekend we have the lovely pleasure of watching Annie (5), Zach (3), and Nick (1). We love when the kiddos come over to play and we have some great activities planned. I purchased an excess amount of junk food and a few new Tinkerbelle movies, as my niece informed me that she “is really into fairies right now.”

Another fantastic activity we took part in today was painting and decorating wooden boxes. Yes. This comes with a mess. I accepted it. My mom accepted it. My dad…well…hmm…Let’s just say he TOTALLY almost ruined the fun.

Gramps: No. No. No. Zach! Keep the box on the paper. Annie! That’s way too much glitter! WOW! Don’t put the brush there. No, Zach, that brush has red on it, get a new brush. Glitter EVERYWHERE!

Auntie: Are you kidding me? Do you see what you’re doing? You’re ruining our fun. What if I had acted this way with my students? They were ten times worse. Just calm it down.

Gramps: Would you look at this mess! Annie has paint on her legs. These boxes aren’t going to dry for days. OH! The glitter. Would you look at the glitter.

Auntie: You know what! You are a “Glitter Tyrant.” Go away. We’re having fun! Plus, we’re outside. Who cares?

Nana: Yeah, Gramps. You would be a terrible kindergarten teacher. Let them express themselves!

Gramps: I’m just saying Zach has about 4 inches of glitter on that box.

Auntie: I’m just saying I love it…Why don’t you go change Nick’s diaper if you want to clean up a mess.

Having the time of our lives...I'm pretty sure Annie is giving Gramps the stink eye.

Top LeMasters Quotes...This Week

1. Wait a second. Are you kidding me? Rosie O'Donnell is getting her own show? Give me a show! I would dominate that. -Nick LeMasters

2. No I have not seen that Jane Fonda movie. I can't stand that woman. She is a Communist. I should have never bought her workout videos. -Nick LeMasters

3. I think I'm the smartest one in my class. -Annie LeMasters, Age 5

4. Annie goes to school now. I miss her a lot when she's gone. -Zach LeMasters, Age 3

5. Auntie! Don't let Nicky kiss your face. He'll bite it right off. -Annie LeMasters, Age 5 (in reference to Nick, Age 1)

We All Have Secrets

We all have secrets and it’s always entertaining to me when one is revealed. I know what you’re thinking…but it’s really no secret that my family tends to dress up oddly at get-togethers.

No. This secret came from Nick LeMasters while watching Bill O’Reilly last night. One of his producers was reporting on the TV show Jersey Shore and during that segment, they kept showing clips from the show The Sopranos. A show I have never watched…and until last night I thought my dad had never seen.

Dad: The Sopranos is a good show.

Me: Wow. What did you just say?

Dad: The Sopranos. I like that show.

Me: When have you ever seen an episode of The Sopranos?

Dad: Sometimes on Sunday mornings after I read the paper and eat my breakfast I watch a little TV. It’s on some channel on Sunday.

Me: Wow. Happy Sabbath.

Dad: Oh. Calm down. It really is good.

Me: This is like when you found out I watched Battlestar Galactica. It’s like a little secret is being revealed. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. The number of times I’ve walked in on you watching The Godfather…

Well. There you go. Proof that we all have TV shows that we secretly watch. I won’t reveal the other shows I’m embarrassed of…yet.