They Say You Never Forget...

Scientists say that you will never forget how to ride a bike. I can attest that this is in fact true. You will never forget. What you will forget is that unpleasant feeling you get when embarking on a bicycling adventure. I barely left the driveway and it hit me like a wrecking ball.

A week ago I got a call from my mom telling me to stop by because Dad would be bringing me a big surprise. I was beyond excited! I’d been eyeing some vines for my backyard. Could I be so lucky? I’d been eyeing some Pier One pillows. Maybe? Scout and I rushed over for what I thought would be a life changing moment. Oh. It. Was. Life. Altering. In the form of a bike.

It should be noted before embarking on this story that at no point have I mentioned wanting a bike. I don’t particularly want one. If I want one I’m just going to buy it. So I didn’t react in how we in polite society are expected to respond when receiving such a gift.

Me: Alright! I’m excited. I’m ready. Where is my surprise?

Dad pulls a bike out from his car.

Me: What is that?

Dad: It’s Mom’s previous bike. We got you new tires AND we got a basket installed.

Me: What am I supposed to do with it?

Dad: Um. Ride it. When is the last time you had a bike? This is an exciting day.

Me: Let me TELL you when I had a bike. It was pink and it had streamers! I haven’t been on a bike in 20 years.

Dad: I have to say I’m a little insulted here. I spent hours outside teaching you to ride a bike in Antioch. Running up and down the street. THIS IS EXCITING!
Me: Oh. My. Gosh.

Mom: I think you’re being ridiculous. We got a basket so Scout can ride with you. Put a little headband on and go out on an adventure.

Me: Are you kidding me right now? This isn’t a Kate Spade advertisement. Scout would hate it and I would never subject her to such an unpleasant experience.

Mom: Okay. Here’s an idea. You can sign up for Match.com and then you can click that you like bike rides?

Me: Oh. My. Gosh. That literally sounds like my personal version of hell. Remember that time you made me go out with that guy from your work? All he talked about was bike riding. Then he spent at least 20 minutes talking about his riding outfits. OH WAIT NOT OUTFIT! He got bent out of shape when I referred to it as an outfit. You know the only thing less attractive than a guy talking about spandex? A GUY WEARING IT!

Mom: You are not fun.

 

Dad: Okay. Let’s calm down. Just get on the bike and see if everything is adjusted correctly. What’s wrong? Get on the bike.

Me: GIVE ME A SECOND! I’m nervous, OKAY? It’s been a long time. I don’t want road rash.

Dad: Do you want me to run along side you?

Me: HILARIOUS! Give me the damn bike.

Mom: Oh! Look how cute! You look so cute. And you clearly remember how…

Dad: Are you wearing flip flops?

Me: Yep. There it is. It’s all coming back to me. I love this discomfort of a seat riding up my crotch. So fun! LET’S GO ON AN ADVENTURE!

Mom: You know. I’ve seen you ride horses and not complain about discomfort and pain.

Me: That’s because a horse is like a mythical creature. It’s a step away from a unicorn. Riding a horse allows me to fantasize that I’m actually a cowgirl capable of barrel racing. THIS…THIS IS CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT!

Loading the bike into my car:

Me: Well, this is super. I love it. Call me and we’ll all go out. I can’t wait. Let’s get a family ride going.

Dad: You’re going.

Me: Obviously. Be sure to give me advanced warning. I mean it will crush me to miss out on a day of biking.

Dad: You’re the worst.