The Husband Trap

These two didn't know what to do with themselves. I think they're still in a state of shock and horror.

 My mom is always on the look out for a potential match for me. At no point in my life did I think she would fall off a rock wall, break some ribs, and ask me to call the fire department in an effort to catch a man. I’m obviously embellishing, but this is how my Saturday afternoon played out.

Saturday started with my mom calling to invite Scout over for a play date. “Scout needs to come to the farm to play. She shouldn’t be locked away while you’re out and about.” And so Scout went over to Nana’s and I ran errands. Of course these errands included a visit to Home Depot and the gym. That means that make-up was bare minimum: a little foundation, a bit of mascara, and lip-gloss. It also means yoga pants and top. Had I known about her devious plan I would have gone all out for the day.

And so when I went to pick up Ms. Scout, my day came to a crashing halt. My mom and I were shooting the old bull while she worked on evening-out a birdhouse on the second level of a rock wall. All of a sudden she backs up, I see her tumble, I try to catch her, she straightens herself out, I think she regained balance, then BAM a 4 foot fall. This was followed by, “OH MY GOSH, MOM! MOM! OH SHIT!” At this point the neighbor starts yelling, “I’m coming over. What’s happening?” And my poor mom lays stunned on the grass.

It should also be noted that in horrific moments of emergency I laugh. It’s not a trait I’m proud of. It’s also not a trait I seem to be able to control. Hi, I’m Dayna, and I laugh during awkward situations.

When trying to figure out my mom’s state, she at this point has rolled onto her stomach and won’t attempt to get up. I also noticed her back turning red. It should also be noted that at this point her dog Gracie is screaming and Scout has gone into shock. Time to call 911.

When you call 911 they ask you a series of questions, all of which you hope you know the answer to. This conversation is all happening while a dachshund screams in the background, “How old is she? How did she fall? You should probably put your dogs away before they arrive. Don’t give her any food.” Really? Thanks. My first thought was let me get her a snack. No really my first thought was, “Thanks, Mom. Firemen are coming and I’m not dressed for this.”

And so the firemen arrive, go to the backyard, Gracie is still screaming, and I’m left to answer questions. It should also be noted that poor Nick LeMasters arrived 5-minutes into this scene.

Fireman 1: Okay. So what happened? She fell? Nothing else happened? You’re her daughter?

At this point I’m thinking, “What are you trying to imply? This is the second time they’ve asked if she ‘fell.’ I’m starting to think they are suspicious I pushed her.”

Fireman 2: Ma’am, what’s going on with your leg here? Why do you have it raised?

Mom: I don’t want to move it.

Me (while laughing/tears in eyes): Oh. My. Gosh. Mom, that’s his way of telling you to put your leg down. This isn’t a Jane Fonda video.

Mom: You know what? We wouldn’t be here if you would have caught me. I thought you were going to catch me.

Fireman 3: You could have caught her and didn’t? You weren’t very helpful here.

Me: Okay, you know what. I don’t know how I all of a sudden turned into Macaulay Culkin in “The Good Son,” but I did attempt to help. I straightened her out then she lost balance again. I can’t help people who don’t help themselves. Also, look at that road-runner, I wasn’t planning to be impaled today.

Dad: What is going on here?

Me: It’s fine. Mom took a little spill. These guys think she’s fine.

Mom: I’m not fine. I want an X-ray. Something's broken.

And so they take her to my dad’s car for a ride to the hospital. And this is the conversation on the way out…

Fireman 1: You know, Robyn, you should feel pretty fortunate. That’s Mr. October on your left escorting you out.

Fireman 2: Maybe you should leave the gardening to the gardener. He seems to be doing a great job on his own.

Mom: Are you kidding me right now? I’m the gardener.

Fireman 2: Really? Wow. Impressive.

Fireman 3: You know, Dayna, you should be feeling a bit guilty right now. So you’re in-charge of getting dinner together.

Mom: Yeah. I really thought you were going to catch me. Watch the girls. I need a sweater.

Me: Oh. My. Gosh. Can you please not perpetuate this idea that I pushed you?

Hours later after copious amounts of pain meds and three broken ribs.

Mom: I know the only reason you called 911 was to see the firemen.

Me: Yep. That’s it. It had nothing to do with you on the ground screaming, “Don’t touch me.” Doesn’t matter anyway. The moment you blamed me for not catching you all hopes of catching a husband were out.

Mom: You could have caught me. Also, you told them my age wrong.

Me: Apologies. Sorry I couldn’t do complex math while you were sitting there crying.

Mom: I’m pretty sure I saw you laughing.

Me: Of course I was laughing. It was ridiculous and awkward.

Mom: I broke THREE ribs!

Me: Yeah, well those firemen seemed to think you were exaggerating a bit. And don’t think that I didn’t know that you were upset about your outfit. You kept asking me to get you a sweater…which I did, by the way.

Mom: Yep. Such a help.

Me: And next time you want to invite the entire Fire Department over, can you please give me a heads up so I can look cute? Also, we totally got the B team. It was the old-timers. If you want the A team to show up, you’re going to need to be unconscious.

And so Robyn LeMasters is sleeping upright and is off work for ten days. I’m not saying she did this on purpose, I’m just saying that if I “accidently” take a tumble in the near future we should wonder about whether or not it’s Robyn LeMasters’ ploy to get firemen over to the house and for me to catch a husband.

Note: Gracie and Scout were traumatized yesterday. They wouldn’t leave the window seat for an hour after the fall.