It Takes a Village

I’m always reading these blogs about women my age, who have three kids, and their profiles always say “Wife. Mother. Blogger” and other things that are supposed to impress me…

Here’s my profile: Dayna LeMasters. Working - puppy mama -of a soon to be two year old dachshund - with extreme emotional issues (the dog, not me, well most days).

As a single mother of a two year old dachshund it’s important to understand that I’m the only person here for her highs (learning to shake on command, not when she feels like it…the stubborn lady) and her lows (eating my wall, eating through the metal of the toilet and causing a leak, or eating her way through the metal on her gate…the goat). I’m the only one here to discipline her when she feels the need to pull the stuffing out of her toys, to match her road kill animals. I also miss out on her extra-curricular activities…throwing tennis balls and trips to Hobby Lobby. I agonize over whether or not she’s getting enough one-on-one time with me. Will she be as smart as the other dogs, since I’m not with her as much as others? It’s all very stressful. I’m also the only one here when she gets sick…that’s a real treat! But there are times when you have to accept your limits and call on the two people you know you can count on…Nick and Robyn LeMasters.

Thursday Morning, 12:30am

I don’t know how many of you have been woken up by a paw slapping you in the face, but I can guarantee you it’s not fun. This was followed by a 16-pound-dog slamming herself against the headboard. HELLO! I assumed by this behavior that she probably needed to go out. The girl bolted like a bat out of hell and by the time I got downstairs, there had been a MAJOR problem. I’m not going to go into details, but let’s just say it was other-worldly. It was literally my definition of Hell.

4:00am

A similar situation, but we made it outside in the snow. At this point she is forced to sleep on her dog pad…and if looks could kill!

6:00am

Preparing to leave for work. A similar bathroom experience. I leave knowing I’m coming home to a dead dog.

7:15am

A phone call to Robyn LeMasters, who picks Scout up at 2pm daily.

Me: I think Scout’s dying.

Mom: It’s too early for this phone call.

Me: No seriously. She woke up with the runs. I think she’s really sick. I think it’s all the metal she eats. It’s torn up her intestines and she’s now dying.

Mom: Are you being serious? Are you crying?

Me: OF COURSE I’M SERIOUS! I’m the one who had to clean this up at 12:30 this morning. Sigh. Deep Breath. Okay. So here is the deal. When you go pick her up today, if she’s still alive, I honestly don’t know what you’ll find, I’ve left a container on the washer. Can you pick up her poop and leave it there? I’ll take it to the vet when I get home.

Mom: I don’t like that idea. I’ll take it to the vet on my way home. That way it’s fresh.

Me: Are you sure? That’s a long day for you.

Mom: It’s for Scout. Of course.

2pm

Mom: I just picked up Scout. She didn’t poop all day. She seems fine.

Me: That little shit. She’s trying to make me out to be a filthy liar. She usually poops twice a day. There is something wrong with her. I KNOW IT!
Mom: It’s fine. I’m going to the vet. I’m going to let her go there.

3pm

Mom: Your dog is a little shit. We’ve been walking around for an hour and nothing. I told the vet that when we get a sample I’ll bring it back.

6pm – I arrive to pick up Scout

Me: Well?

Mom: Nothing. It’s like she’s forgotten how to go to the bathroom. She just stares at me blankly every time.

Me: This is ridiculous. So, she’s dying, and doesn’t want to be fixed. So fine. She can just sit there with metal in her gut.

Mom: I made an appointment for her at the vet. You have to drop her off at 7:30am and they will keep her for the day for observation.

Me: That’s not going to work. My classes begin at 7:30. I can’t miss tomorrow.

Mom: It’s fine. Dad will do it.

Dad: Woah! What? Dad will do it? I may have things happening in the morning.

Me: DO YOU WANT SCOUT TO DIE? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? BECAUSE THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN IF SHE DOESN’T GET TO THE VET!

Dad: You need to calm down. I’ll take here. You bring her here, with poop sample in the morning, and I’ll take it from there. And no…I don’t want this Prozac-ridden dog to die. However, in my opinion, nothing is wrong with her.

Me: We’ll see. She’s dying. It’s going to cost an absolute fortune. I know it!

Friday Morning, 6am – I drop off Scout with Nick LeMasters

Dad: Okay. I’ll take it from here. Where’s the poop?

Me: The little shit didn’t shit. I’ve brought gloves for you and the labeled container.

Dad: It’s too early for this conversation.

6:30am- A text from Nick LeMasters

I got the sample. It’s totally normal. This is ridiculous.

6:32am – A text to Nick LeMasters

You’re ridiculous.

3:30pm – I rush to pick up Scout from the vet

Woman: Oh. You’re Scout’s mom. She’s a little personality. She thinks she’s in charge and needs to greet everyone when they come in.

Me: Huh. This is news to me. She is anti-social.

Woman: That’s a little show she puts on for you.

Vet: Okay. So Scout has a UTI.

Me: Are you kidding me? This is a urine problem? No. Her poop is not normal.

Vet: UTI. No poop problem. I checked it myself. It was normal. Also, she’s a bit over-weight.

Me: NO…No…No. Last time I was here you said she was fine.

Vet: Right. She went up half a pound.

Me: IT’S WINTER! WE ALL WENT UP HALF A POUND!

Vet: What are you feeding here?

Me: Well, when she’s at home she gets dry dog food. When she’s with my mom she gets an egg, yogurt, and wet food.

Vet: I think we just found the weight problem.

Me: False. It’s to keep her coat shining. She could be a show dog.

Vet: No. She’s pigeon-toed.

Me: Oh. My. Gosh. Okay. Different question. Her nose is turning pink. I don’t like it and I think something is wrong.

Vet: No. It happens. We don’t know why.

Me: Okay. So what I’m hearing here is nothing is wrong and you think I’m nuts.

Vet: No. She has a UTI. Here are the antibiotics.

Woman: So today’s visit will be $200. Will that be cash or credit?

And then I got this look the WHOLE way home…